Miscellaneous Drabbles
by RollinsFrostFan
Summary: Gonna be different one-two shot drabbles of Rolivia. Some friendship, some romantic depends. Since Im still working on other stories, these are quickies that pop in my head and I just go with em. Hope you like them
1. Meanings & Secrets

**_Meanings & Secrets_**

The case at hand was a tough one. A young high school student had come forward on her blog that she may had been assaulted. Olivia and Amanda were sent to go and talk to the girl. Her parents had described her as a sweet girl who had a lot of friends. She had been blogging all day about a party she and her friends were going to. Unbeknownst to her what was going to happen at the party. Amanda the victim had taken to getting high with her friends and had passed out. So what eventually happened was that she was slut shamed, her body written on with sharpie. The worst of the ordeal was her being sexually assaulted. .

The case progressed and the girl didnt want to testify. They had three boys that were all suspected of a part in the assault. The young girl posted to her blog how everything was fine and she was just gonna go back like it never happened. Having lost a college girl years back to the depression she immediately picked up that this victim was what they call 'pink clouding'. So back to the young woman's house they went. As they talked to her, telling her they wanted to get her justice and that they wanted these people to face repurcussions of their actions. The girl at first just wanted to give up and let it go. She had changed everything about herself and didnt want any reminders. Amanda felt her pain she really did.

You see what noone knew was detective Rollins felt that girls pain more than they knew. It wasnt just empathy for the victim or putting herself in the victims shoes. She actually knew what this girl was feeling. Not only did they share the same name "Amanda" what noone knew was that they shared the same past. Olivia watched Amanda as she interacted with the victim with her name sake. She realized Amanda was going to reveal a dark secret, that in an effort to show the victim she wasn't alone she was going to bare her dark secret. Amanda began talking bout reputations and things. She then told how it had actually happened to her. She rolled up her sleeve to show a white tattoo, which those arent seen often on people but it was simple cursive writing _"Amanda"_ just to show herself that she was always "Amanda and that things like that wouldnt define her." Olivia standing by, witnessing the bonding moment between her subordinate and the victim was a lil mind blowing. Reason being for that was she hadnt seen such a tender moment with Amanda before. She knew she had been close to the other student who unfortunately couldnt handle what happened and took her own life by jumping from the rooftop of the college she attended. Rattled Amanda alot because she knew the girl was as she stated " _pink clouding and I knew it"_. As Amanda sat on the bed still reeling from opening up like that, the victim turned to Liv and hugged her. Liv telling her that she'd be there no matter what, that she would make it through and that they would do everything in their power to get her justice.

They left the girl's apartment with promise to update them on any new developments and how the case was going. Liv was curious to Amanda's admission, she didnt want to ask but at the same time she wanted to know. She was wondering if she should attempt to get Rollins to open up to her somehow, either by grabbing a bite to eat and just chatting or trying to get her to talk in the office. Though the latter had to go better than the time she had tried to talk to Amanda about Charles Patton. When that all happened Liv tried to be there for Amanda but her ways about it werent the right way to approach a woman who had just had her whole assault brought up to help another case. So Liv being who she was called Amanda into her office for a private moment to talk to her without everyone hearing their business. Looking back on it now, she had Amanda right there ready to talk but she had to pull out that damn card for her shrink to get a referral. That played over and over in her mind. Sometimes going away and sometimes just staying there. That couldnt happen this time. If it did she may never get Amanda's trust at all and may even lose the friendship that was finally starting to happen between the two of them. For the longest time it was pretty much angst between the two of them, with both of them just being nice at the precinct and having nothing to do with the other outside of work.

As they got back to the precinct after riding back in complete silence. She could see Amanda hurting and she wanted to help, just praying to god it didnt bite her in the ass. They walked back into the precinct with Amanda going straight to her desk and Liv going to her office. She waited a few to call Rollins in as she wanted her to get settled and fill the boys in on what they found out, well not her _'secret'_ but the news on the victim and ways they may approach a trial without damaging the victim anymore than she already was. She jotted a few notes into her laptop and decided that it was "now or never" to see if she could have a talk with Amanda. Walking to her door, she said easily "Amanda can I see you in my office please?" Amanda glanced over at Fin and Carisi, Fin shrugged as did Carisi. They didnt hear any hostility in the lieutenants voice so they figured all was okay between the two ladies of the department. After saving and closing the documents she was working on she headed to her lieutenants office. Couldnt help being nervous but at the same time she didnt recall really doing anything that would call for a private reprimand but with Liv anything was possible and her guard was up. Though for a bit it had been down, for some reason it went back up. She wiped her sweaty palms on her dress pants and adjusted her blazer before knocking on the door. Upon the knocking Liv opened the door and welcomed Amanda in. Before Liv could even speak Amanda spoke, "Look Liv, I know I should have waited for you to talk to her, but I felt I had a connection with her. I wanted to show her that she wasnt alone. I didnt want to overstep boundaries." Amanda said with an almost defeated tone.

Liv told Amanda to sit and that she wasn't in any kind of trouble, that she herself just wanted to check in and make sure she was doing okay as that was a hard moment. "Amanda I myself am having a hard time grasping what happened to her and how she almost went about dealing with it. You though, as hard as it was to open up you got her to listen to you. She finally saw that she wasnt the only one. You wanna know what else she saw that was extremely important?" Amanda looked up at her, instead of looking down at her fingers and avoiding eye contact, she was good for that. She knew if you looked closely in her eyes no matter how hard she tried to fight it, you could see her vulnerability. Taking a deep breath Amanda closed her eyes and spoke, "What was so important Liv?" Liv sat on her desk in front of Amanda, she saw her fiddling with her fingers so she gently covered them with her own. "Amanda what was so important is that you, YOU Amanda Rollins had the gut instincts and knew she was 'pink clouding', Amanda by voicing that and having us go over there, you saved that girls life. You saved her life in the way of your gut instinct and by sharing your story. Which if you dont mind my asking, what is the whole story behind this?" She took Amanda's arm gently pushing back the sleeve to reveal the white tattoo that she had never seen before.

Amanda touched Liv's hand, noone had ever cared enough to ask. Well noone really knew she had it anyway. Fin saw it once, but she had shot him a look and he had dropped the subject fast. "Liv it was a long time ago. Kinda made me who I am today." Liv nodded "I get that Amanda, but what made you get that. I heard a little bit of it, as I was in the room, but at the same time wanted to give you the privacy of talking to Amanda one on one." Amanda chewed her lip, trying to compell the tears not to fall, but in reality she knew that was a lost cause. "Ill tell you Liv, but you cant tell anyone. Noone can know." Liv agreed. "Of course Amanda, we've come so far and I want us to be better friends. I wouldnt risk your trust by telling anyone what youve told me in confidence.

Amanda braced herself, brushing away the tear that went against her fight and rolled down her cheek. "It was a one time deal, stupid fucking mistake on my part. During school I got drunk at a party. At first it was just kissing and making out, you know the whole ' _7 minutes in heaven'_ deal. But as my head was pounding I got sleepy. Well instead of leaving me alone like a friend should, no... he did the opposite. Liv I was passed out. He had his way with me. No I wasnt a virgin at the time. I had been with others. Not alot, but a few. Well afterwards he thought it would be funny to take pictures of me practically undressed, just like Amanda was. Then he told his friends to come on in and 'dirty sanchez' me. Meaning take a damn black sharpie and write all over me. Oh the names. I was called everything in the book, slut, whore, tramp, the girl who got around. You name it I was it. And where Loganville wasnt a big ass town, word travelled _fast._ " Tears coming down both her eyes. Now betraying the hell out of her. She wasnt supposed to be weak. She was a goddamn police officer, a detective for christsakes. "So yes I know all about slut shaming." Sarcasm starting to come out as a defense mechanism. "So when I was old enough I got the white tattoo to remind myself that " _It didnt define me. Only I can define me."_

Keeping her hands on Amanda for reassurance, Olivia could certainly see the pain in her subordinates eyes. She didnt want to hurt her by having her rehash it. She just wanted her to know she could talk and that she would understand. "Amanda it took alot of courage for you to open up. I am glad you trusted me to tell me."

Amanda shook her head. "Thanks for caring enough to ask. Just dont let it bite me in the ass that I trusted you with that detail. It's extremely personal and I dont want it getting out."

Olivia smiled, nodding her head, patting Amanda's hand. "Never. Your secret is safe with me."


	2. Meanings & Secrets Part II TRIGGER WARN

**FIRST OFF I WILL WARN YOU THIS CHAPTER MAY HAVE TRIGGERS FOR CERTAIN READERS. PLEASE I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH IF THIS TOPIC BOTHERS YOU OR CAN TRIGGER YOU IN ANY WAY PLEASE DONT READ IT. THIS CHAPTER HAS MENTIONS OF RAPE AND HAS A DETAILED ASSAULT. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. FEEDBACK IS WELCOME.**

 _"Never, you're secret is safe with me."_ Oh how when they went home that night she hoped Olivia would keep her word. Not that she didnt trust Fin and Carisi, she just didnt what that personal side out. Her child hood and her teenage years werent things she talked about. They were more like things she'd much rather forget.

It was hard to describe what Amanda was feeling, it was relief somewhat for sharing her pain with someone else but also fear for the possible flashbacks. She wanted and needed sleep tonight as she was emotionally drained. She figured she would go and take a long hot shower and hopefully find a way to relax. Her shower wasnt long, just long enough to relax her tense muscles. She felt the tears start to sting her eyes again, she started rubbing where the tattoo was.

She got out the shower a lil while later, donning an nypd t-shirt and shorts she went to go lay on couch. She pulled her blanket down and popped on Will & Grace. She figured she could use a good laugh. Just wasnt happening. She ended up falling asleep, though it was to early for her. And she fell right into the dream, or was it reality?

She was back at that college party. She didnt want to be there. She had on her tight ass hugging jeans, come on who didnt wear those in the late nineties. Had on her blue dress shirt, ample cleavage showing it was a party after all. Hair left out in long curls, everyone always said her blonde hair was beautiful. She had forgone jewelry except for her hoop earrings. She had topped off the outfit with her favorite black boots. She met up with some of the girls who were supposedly her friends. They sat chillen out, couple of their guy friends came over, and of course Jace. Her and Jace had been friends since junior high days. They played ball together and he helped her practice to get on the highschool team and even again in college. So when they went in the room for '7 minutes in heaven' she felt she could trust him. She had, had a lot to drink by then. After they had kissed, she had thought he left the room and locked the door. She was wrong, very wrong. She passed out, unable to keep her eyes open any longer. It was a mix of being inibriated and tired to begin with. She recalled him kissing her again only this time she didnt want it so she pushed him away. He didnt like that. So he tried again and again she pushed him away saying "no". Well that really pissed him off. This time he had pulled down her pants, just enough to fit himself in. She was trying to fight him off but when you start seeing double its not that easy. He was supposed to be her friend, he was supposed to look out for her and have her back. She was telling him to stop, begging him to stop to not ruin their friendship then she just blacked out and was pretty much down for the count. He was fingering her, getting her primed. She could feel everything, but she just couldnt wake up. He got done fingering her and he crawled on top of her, she could feel his weight crushing down on her chest, then she felt it. She felt his penis right by her opening. She wanted to move but she couldnt, his weight was crushing down on her. Next thing she knew he had slipped inside her roughly, he hurt. He took all of maybe five to ten minutes and was done. He hadnt bothered to pull up her pants or readjust her shirt. No he instead took pics, then invited his buddies in to see her. He wouldnt let them touch her like that cause she was his he said. He did however give them markers and let them write vile things all over her body. When they were finished doing that they took more pics of their artwork and posted it all over social media. When she had finally woken up she was still disoriented a bit but she saw the blood on the sheets and instantaneously knew what had happened. She had been the victim of a sexual assault, but who would believe her if she came forward? She left the party seeing the guy she trusted to keep her safe but committed the ultimate betrayal to her sleeping with some other college girl on his chest. When she got home she took a shower, she had to scrub the words off her body. She wasnt a "whore, slut, tramp" or any of the other degrading names that were written on her body. She looked at her breasts they had drawn indecent pictures on them simuating they were sucking on her breasts. They had drawn lil penises all over the rest of her chest and stomach area. She was scrubbing herself raw to get the words off. They words may come off in soap and water but the marks on her soul never would. Then as she continued to clean herself she saw it. Down near her vaginal area one of them had written the most hurtful words, more hurtful than the slut shaming persay. One of them had written "Easy Ass Amanda" right across where the top of her vagina. She lost it she started to cry in the shower all balled up in the corner.

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Amanda ended up waking up in a cold sweat. The dream had been intense, she was looking around to make sure she was in her own place, in her own bed and safe. Then she started to cry. She needed to be held, she was scared and she couldnt do this alone. She looked over at her clock 2:43am. She couldnt control the tears, couldnt control the shaking. She wanted one person and one person only, Olivia. The woman she trusted the other day and told her secret to. She needed her, for some reason she was comforted by her. _'Shit I cant call her this time of night. But then again she said to call her if I needed her and I do.' She battled herself for a few minutes, looking at the clock again now it glared 2:45am._ She picked up her phone, and dialed Liv's phone. It rang a few times and just as she was bout to say 'fuck it' and hang up a groggy, sleep filled voice answered. "Benson." Amanda took a deep breath. "Liv its me Amanda." Liv's eyes opened wide and she sat up. She spoke gently as to not spook the woman on the other line. She called for a reason, last thing she needed was for her to hang up cause she thought she was angry or bothered. "Everything okay Amanda?" Amanda could feel her tears coming down. "No, it's not. I'm sorry I called. I'll um... I'll let you get back to sleep." Liv didnt want her to hang up. She could tell that her subordinate and friend was scared, she wanted to help her. "No no sweetie you're fine. Remember I told you to call whenever you needed to." Amanda sighed "I know you did, but Liv it's late." Liv got the feeling that Amanda didnt want to be alone. "Sweetie I'm up and I got dressed when I heard your voice. Do you want me to come over? It's not a problem. Honest. I told you earlier I just wanted to make sure you were okay from what you told me."

Amanda thought for a few seconds. "If you really wouldnt mind coming over I wouldnt object. I just dont want to be alone with my thoughts." Olivia told her to relax and that she'd be there in like ten minutes. Amanda thanked her and went out to the living room to wait for her. She knew she was weak, but Olivia knew the secret, knew the meaning behind her tattoo and she didnt shame her, didnt think any less of her. She was still Amanda Rollins. She was still a detective with the new york city police department. She curled up on the couch, oh she wanted to go back to sleep as she was exhausted but she was fearful that dream would replay. Liv got there shortly after. Amanda opened up the door and Liv came inside. She put her coat and purse in the chair at the table and after Amanda had locked the door back up she joined Liv on the couch. Liv speaking softly "Amanda it's okay. I'm glad you called me." That's all Amanda needed to hear, the floodgates opened and she propelled herself into Liv's arms,grateful for the protection.

"Liv it was so real, so so real. I couldnt wake up. I was raped at that college party and it was my supposed best friend. When I asked him why he told me he needed to get into the fraternity." tears filling her eyes and coming down "Liv he was supposed to protect me, look out for me and he was the one who took complete advantage."

Liv leaned back got herself comfortable, then she pulled her distraught friend with her. She wanted to hold her, keep her safe. She wanted to let her know it was okay to be vulnerable right now, that it was okay to want and need the comfort. "Amanda, sweetheart it's normal to have all these feelings and questions." Amanda relaxed and told Liv the dream, Liv held her, brushed her tears away. "Sweetheart I wish I could have been there for you when it happened, I really do. But I am here now, and as long as you want me to be here for you than here is where I'll be. Now why dont you get some rest." Amanda looked up at Liv, fear evident in her eyes "You wont leave, will you? Can you hold me the rest of the night?" Liv smiled and tightened her hold on the petite blonde. As she went to answer her she felt the rhythmic breathing and heard the soft snore.

She kissed her hair, "I'm here and I always will be."

 **hope yall liked this chapter and that it answered questions. next lil tale will be of a fluffier mood. Again don't own SVU or the characters. This was just my lil idea and how I wanted to see the friendship**


	3. Anniversary

_**So this one is a light and fun lil story. Figured after that first drabble, needed to post a fun one. I am still currently trying to get ideas for the others that I have published but I also keep getting lil ideas that make great one shots. Anyways. Thanks for reading and reviewing. I hope yall like this one too.**_

 **Anniversary**

 **Rating: M**

Waking up in her girlfriends arms was the best. Well at least to Amanda Rollins it was. Her girlfriend being none other than Lieutenant Olivia Benson. It had been a long time coming for the two of them to get together, but when they did Amanda couldnt of been happier. It was their year anniversary and all Amanda wanted to do was spend it in her lovers arms. This had been the healthiest relationship either of them had basically had. Of course when they started dating Liv was just coming off a failed relationship with Ed Tucker. It had actually started cause Amanda had been concerned for Liv when the break happened. So their friendship grew into more, the more time the two of them spent together. Amanda's last relationship had been with Nate Davis and that didnt end so well.

Amanda nuzzled up to Liv. What she liked best about their sleepovers was that they always slept skin to skin. After they had finally admitted their attraction to one another and made love for that first time they couldnt get enough of the feel of each others skin. Especially Amanda, thats where she felt the most connection with no barriers between them. They didnt have to be intimate, they could just hold each other and even just kiss. As Amanda was nuzzling up to Liv, she could feel her start to wake up. She gently kissed Liv, nibbling gently on her lovers plump lips. Liv's eyes fluttered open she wrapped her arms around her girlfriend pulling her close. "Mmm well that's a hell of a way to wake up. How are you this morning babe?" Amanda smiled, nestling her head on her favorite spot, on Liv's breast at her heartbeat. "I'm good babe. I'm naked laying on my love, what could be better?" Liv smiled, kissing the top of her head and running her fingers through the long silky blonde tresses. "Do you even know how much I love you Amanda? Look at us, together for a year. Actually my lovely girlfriend do you know what today is?" Amanda leaned up, claiming Liv's lips with her own again. The kiss growing passionate and their hands skimming up and down each others bodies. Amanda in fact knew it was the anniversary of the best day of her life, that being when her and Liv got together.

Liv had something special planned for them after work. She wanted to take the woman she loved with everything out for a nice romantic evening. Liv was actually planning on taking the next step with her lady. She was going to ask her to spend the rest of her life with her. Yup Olivia Benson wanted to marry Amanda Rollins. She wrapped her arms tightly around her girlfriend, her whole body enveloped in her girlfriends warmth. She could wake up like this every day for the rest of her life and she would be the happiest woman in the world. She wasn't trying to give away what she was planning. Though right now it was hard to concentrate and focus on getting up and out of bed with her girlfriend nibbling hotly on her ear and touching her so sensuously. Her loves touches were heating her up. She didnt want a quickie, with it being their anniversary she wanted to be able to make love to Amanda especially tonight after she popped her question. "Mmmm Manda" Liv voiced huskily and full of desire. "Baby you keep doing that we are gonna be late and the boys will know exactly why." She captured Amanda's lips with her own. Amanda broke the kiss gently and started making her way down Liv's neck. They were starting to get hot and heavy when Liv's phone went off. Amanda groaned "dont answer that, we are busy." Liv smiled "My love we will have plenty of time tonight. I want to take my time with you and love you." Liv kissed her again, then got up to get dressed. She pulled out fresh underwear and bra. Of course she pulled out her sexy ones. Manda loved when she wore her lacy ones. As she pulled her things from the drawer she pulled the ring box and hid it under her clothes. She wanted to show the ring to Fin and see what he thought. Reason was she knew him for a long time and while being close to him he was also super close to Amanda.

When they got to work, it was straight into a couple cases. They needed to close out some. It was hard for Liv to concentrate. She had a lot riding on a very special dinner tonight. She fumbled with the lil box in her pocket, it was holding the key to her lifetime happiness if all went well tonight. She sent Rollins and Carisi over to the M.E.'s office to see if she had found out anymore info on a case before it went cold. She said that was her reason and where it was Melinda, Melinda went along with it cause Fin had filled her in on what was going on. Amanda came and got a quick hug and kiss from Liv before heading to the M.E.'s office. Once Liv knew Amanda was out of the building she called Fin in her office to show him the ring. Fin walked in and Liv had told him her plan. He couldnt have been any happier for them. Both had a shit time with other partners and now they finally found each other. "Liv you're gonna make her cry you know this right?" Liv smiled sheepishly "Do you think she's gonna wanna marry me? I cannot for the life of me see myself with anyone else." Fin smiled "Liv you are gonna make her so happy, and I know if she does cry, shes gonna cry tears of complete love and happiness. Congrats cause I can already guarantee shes gonna say yes." Olivia smiled. She told him how she planned on doing her proposal and he told her Amanda was gonna lose it in a good way. She hugged Fin and told him thanks. He told her that he'd cover for her so that she could go and get everything ready for tonight.

She went home and got herself ready. She was so excited and nervous for tonight. She chose a simple purple dress. Short at the knees and black heels. She let her hair stay free. She knew Amanda would come home to get ready for tonight so now was part of her plan. A lil scavenger hunt. She set up the bedroom first with heart confettis on the floor and rose petals. She put the new dress, a nice teal blue spaghetti strapped dress she bought for Amanda to wear in the bathroom where her make up and stuff was and left out a pair of black stillettos. She then left her a few lil love notes. One telling her to not go into the bedroom and to wear what she had laid out for her. The other was telling her that her ride would be there to pick her up at 6pm sharp and knew where to bring her. She also told her that she loved her and that tonight was going to be one to remember. When she signed the card she kissed it and put "xoxo". She put the finishing touches to her outfit and stepped out knowing Amanda would be home shortly.

When Amanda got there she was in awe of what Liv did. The dress looked amazing, her lady truly knew her. She took a quick shower and got dressed. The soft dress felt so good against her skin. Showed just enough cleavage for her love to get a glimpse. She decided to forego nylons and just show off her legs. Next up was doing her hair, since Liv had commented a while back that Amanda looked pretty with curls in her hair she put some soft curls in her hair. Stepping into the stillettos she locked up and heading out. Her mind on cloud nine but also wondering why their bedroom had been off limits. Her uber that Liv had arranged came immediately to pick her up. He helped her into the car and took off to the restaurant. She found a bouquet of white roses in the backseat with one solitary red rose. The solitary red rose was to symbolize that Amanda was the only one she needed and wanted in her life. The driver drove her quietly to her destination which happened to be Forlini's Restaurant. Amanda had never been here before. It was a beautiful place. She went inside, the matre'd quickly brought her over to Olivia's table. Liv thanked him and gave her girlfriend a hug and kiss.

Their dinner was sweet and romantic. A nice bottle of merlot shared between them. They told each other how much they loved each other. Neither of them could keep their eyes off the other. Both ladies dressed to the nines. The place had a lil dance floor and Liv went up and requested Shania Twain's "You're Still The One". Looking into Amanda's eyes as they slow danced to the song. She whispered in Amanda's ear "your big surprise is waiting at home. I just hope you like it my love." They danced a lil more and since they had spent most of their anniversary in the office they wanted to go home, relax and spend the rest of their anniversary together. They each had another glass of the merlot, Liv asked waiter to tack on the unfinished bottle for her so she could take it home. Amanda looked at Liv holding her hands, "This has been the best anniversary." Liv smiled, raised Amanda's knuckles to lips and kissed them. "Wait til you see your surprise at home." Amanda blushed, usually when Liv said stuff like that to her she took it to mean 'naughty and fun' things. What Liv was actually meaning, was the planned out surprise for her love. Prolly some lovemaking too, which that was always a plus. Since the waiter had heard Amanda say something about an anniversary he had talked to the boss and they decided to give a brand new bottle to Amanda and Olivia on the house.

They headed back to Liv's place which was where they spent a majority of their time. See when Amanda had gone and gotten ready for the dinner she hadnt paid attention to what Liv did to the apartment. The only thing she saw was that the bedroom was closed off with streamers and a big heart that had "Liv and Manda 4-Ever". Liv had actually gotten lil heart confettis and sprinkled her whole floor with them leading to the bedroom. Neither of them really able to keep their hands to themselves. Liv made sure that the door was locked. She nipped at Amanda's ear, huskily voiced "Shall we go into our room? That is where my surprise is for you." Amanda beamed, she couldnt believe she had someone love her as much as she loved them. Amanda looked at Liv, she was kinda leary, she trusted Liv with everything but being hurt before and abandoned as well made all that kick in. "Liv this isnt get me in the room and then turn tail and run is it? I cant take that." Liv frowned, answering gently "No my love, not at all. This is a surprise for you to show you how much I love you and I love us." Amanda leaned into Liv, "Okay my love, lets walk in together." Olivia opened the door and guided Amanda in. When Amanda saw what she did she lost it. Liv had put rose petals on the floor leading to the bed. She had made a heart out of the petals on the bed. Amanda wiped her eyes "Oh my god Liv, when did you do all of this?" Liv smiled snuggling Amanda closer kissing her forehead. "I wanted to show you how much you mean to me." Liv pulled Amanda over to the bed, sitting them gently on the edge. She held onto Amanda's hands, gently stroking them as she talked.

"Amanda I cant even begin to tell you how much you mean to me. You have been the best thing to come into my life in a very long time. I look into my future and all I see is you. I never looked ahead to what a relationship could become until you. Never knew what complete acceptance was until you. You showed me that. Amanda I cannot see my future without you, nor for that fact do I want to." Amanda looked at Liv she had tears in her eyes. Not sad tears, but tears of happiness that she actually made someone happy and that someone really loved her. She spoke softly as she was choked up at Liv's words. "Liv... I feel the same about..., Liv didnt want to be interrupted so she gently covered Amanda's mouth. "Amanda let me finish, this is important." Amanda looked down and nodded, Liv tipped her head back up so she could look into those beautiful cerulean eyes that she loved so much. "Amanda I love you so much. I want to know if you would do me the honor of becoming my wife?" Amanda cocked her head at Liv, tears brimming in her eyes. Liv got down on one knee taking Amanda's left hand, "Amanda Marie Rollins will you make my life complete and marry me?"

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Amanda stood there frozen. This was the most surreal moment in her life. Liv smiled as she could see Amanda thinking. She touched her cheek gently, caressing the soft skin with her fingers. Gently speaking as to not spook the beautiful woman in front of her that she loved so much. "Well my love, are you going to give me an answer?"

Amanda wiped the tears from her eyes, and wrapped her arms around Liv's neck. "Yes Liv.. I will marry you."


	4. Holiday

HOLIDAY

RATING M

With the holiday approaching the precinct was abuzz, they had just busted a prostitution ring. Girls of all ages thinking they did nothing wrong. When its common knowledge getting money for sex is illegal. Lately ever since Amanda dealt _again_ with the drama of Kim it really hit her hard to deal with prostitutes especially the young ones. Who honestly wouldnt be bothered at seeing teenagers, practically babies some of them, out there selling their bodies for money and or drugs. Amanda couldnt wait to get out of here for today. She was going to text the sitter to see if she could stay with Jesse a lil longer just so she could go grab a drink and kick back and get her head together. She text her sitter " _hey would you mind or would it be possible for you to stay an extra hour? I'll pay more if you need it. Just this case tonight hit me hard. I just need an hour to clear my head and thoughts before I come home to my baby girl."_ She went back to typing on her laptop while she waited for Jesse's sitter to reply.

She was at work for another hour and her sitter finally text her back. _"Sure Ms Rollins, that's not a problem. Jesse has been fine. Go clear your head and relax for bit. I'm sure Jesse will wanna cuddle with mama when you get home. Take it easy, and I'll see you when you get here."_ Amanda sighed with relief. All she wanted to do was go and shake off this case, get a clear mind, and just shake off the damn hateful texts from Beth. She was staring off into space when Olivia walked over to her desk. Granted Liv and Amanda hadnt been close in the past but they were working on it and have even recently been letting the kids play together. Liv could see that Amanda was not in the right frame of mind so to speak. Now the question she was asking herself was does she step outside with Amanda, have Amanda come into her office, or have Amanda go into an interview room. She didnt want upset her subordinate but she knew something was troubling her. She decided to see if Amanda would come talk to her in the cribs. "Hey Amanda can you come with me into the cribs? I want to talk to you privately." Amanda shrugged her shoulders and got up. "Sure Liv. I guess."

Amanda followed Liv to the cribs. "Amanda are you okay? I can tell something is up. Something might have triggered you off with this case?" Amanda's eyes went down to the floor. Speaking softly Amanda answered "yeah this case has hit hard. It's bugging me. Hitting me harder than it should." Liv sat them down and let Amanda talk. It actually felt good to get some of it off her chest. After a lil bit she thanked Liv and went out to collect her things. Though it helped her a bit by just talking she still wanted to go and have a couple drinks and just relax. This was just hard. She knew how her family was and was used to it but that didnt make it any easier that's for sure. Liv watched Amanda as she got up and started to pace around the room. "Hey Amanda, why don't you and Jesse join me and Noah for Thanksgiving?" Amanda didnt respond right away. Everything was just too much for her right now. Her boss was in too close proximity to her. She shook it off, needing to get out she started towards the door. Not wanting to be rude she answered Liv's question "Ill think about it. I'm not one to impose." She didnt give Liv time to respond, she just left, those after work beers calling her name.

 _Hour later..._ Amanda is sitting at the bar nursing her next drink. She thinks it's her third drink. She's not drunk by any means, feeling pretty good for the most part. Getting up to go pee she starts thinking again about Olivia's offer. Should she take her boss up on that and let Jesse enjoy a holiday playing with a friend? Or should she just stay home, her and Jesse and make a small turkey? Hell if she knew, she was just so confused. She text Liv, she was going to do it. Why have Jesse suffer when she didn't have to.

 _"Liv, If you really dont mind having Jesse and I for Thanksgiving dinner I'll take you up on the offer. I'm really sorry about my mood at work, it's just that case really hit me hard."_ She hoped Liv would understand. Just that case, brought back the times Kim was arrested in Georgia for prostitution, then coming here while she was pregnant and rolling the guy who pimped her out. She figured she had definitly had enough booze so she paid her bill and headed home. She hadnt heard back from Liv so she was thinking Liv changed her mind.

She got home, thanked and paid the sitter for staying extra. She told Amanda never a problem and that Jesse had been great like she always was. Amanda smiled. She considered herself lucky to have such a good natured baby. Just as she sat down to play with Jesse on the the floor with her blocks her phone went off. She took it out of her pants pocket and saw that she had received a message notification _"Amanda of course I don't mind. That's why I asked you to come over for dinner. As long as you don't mind my cooking we should be okay. I'll tell Noah and he'll be excited. See you tomorrow."_ Amanda smiled when she saw that. Made her feel like someone genuinely cared. Just before she text Liv back Jesse toddled over to her with her arms held out "Mama hug?" Amanda's eyes bristled with tears as she hugged her lil girl. If the lil one could just know what the gesture meant to her. She snuggled her lil girl tightly. "My sweet girl, we are going to go and spend Thanksgiving with Olivia and Noah tomorrow. How's that sound?"

Jesse squealed in delight. She liked to play with Noah, and it also gave Amanda some adult time with a friend that work wasnt really discussed. After getting Jesse calmed, bathed and in bed for the evening she text Liv. _"Just wanted to let you know Jesse is very excited to be coming over to play with Noah. I'm grateful you invited us."_ Liv was on the other side of town doing the same. She had just gotten Noah settled in for the night and was getting herself a much deserved glass of wine, when she saw Amanda's text. Smiling she replied back. _"We are both looking forward to it._

The next day was your typical blustery November day. Amanda was nervous for some odd reason, no idea why but she was nervous. Jesse was watching her mama get dressed, after she had put the toddler in a holiday dress. "Mama is Olivia my _auntie_?" That made Amanda smile as she was brushing her hair. "Well my sweet girl I dont think Liv would mind it if you called her that." With that the blonde toddler who was her mother's twin bounced happily into the living room to wait. Amanda was glad that her and Liv were able to grow in the time she had been working at SVU to get to this point where they could be friends and even get the kids together to play.

They went over to Liv's. Jesse was all excited as Amanda was nervous for some reason. When Liv answered the door she was greeted by a bubbly, excited toddler who hugged her legs " _Auntie Olivia I been waitin' and waitin' to come see you."_ Amanda quickly grabbed her " _Jesse"_. Liv smiled and welcomed the two into her apartment. As soon as Noah had heard Jesse he came running out, quickly saying hi to Amanda and pulling Jesse to his room to play. Liv looked at him "Noah Benson, no jumping on the bed. Understand? We are going to be eating in a little bit." Noah told his mom yes and went to play with Jesse. Liv smiled at Amanda "Thank you for agreeing to dinner, you made his night. Mine too. Wont be filled with all dinosaurs and kid talk." Amanda smiled back. "I really appreciate you inviting us. Even though I dont speak to my family or go back to Georgia I still wanted to give Jesse some sort of family interaction."

Liv was happy that Amanda infact thought of her as family, made her feel good. She truly cared about her detective and was grateful they were able to overcome all their issues and become friends. Amanda helped Liv get the dinner all set. Was a small bird, figuring the kids really werent gonna eat much and it would be mostly them eating the turkey and fixins'. Of course the kids really didnt grasp the meaning of the holiday so it was Amanda and Liv holding hands and the kids hands saying grace. Then Liv wanted to do something easy that the kids could participate in and understand. Liv wanted each of them to say what they were thankful for. Noah started _"I'm thankful for my mommy cause she does everything she can to make me happy. I'm thankful my friends at school. I'm thankful for Mandy and Jesse. Im thankful for Mandy cause she brings Jesse over and we can play."_ Both Liv and Amanda smiled, tears bristled in Amanda's eyes, she really didnt think she meant much to anyone cept for Jesse. Noah squeezed Jesse's hand "your turn Jesse." Jesse nodded. _"I'm thankful for my mama cause she loves me and she makes me happy. I love you mama. I'm thankful Auntie Olivia and Noah cause Auntie lets me come to play with Noah."_ These kids were good at this, making the adults get teary eyed. Liv looked at Amanda, okay _'georgia peach'_ it's your turn. Amanda blushed, this wasnt the first time that Liv had referred to her as _'georgia peach'._ Since Amanda took a minute Jesse decided to prompt her. " _Come on Mama."_ Manda gave a half smile. " _I'm thankful for you miss Jesse. I'm thankful for my job, my colleagues. Liv I'm thankful we were able to overcome differences and become friends. I'm thankful my daughter has such a sweet boy for a friend and yes that's you Noah. I'm thankful for the way everyone has helped me and stayed by my side with everything I have been through."_ Amanda though she didnt want to, she had tears coming down her eyes. She never had this acceptance and surely never thought she would be where she was. Shaking it off, with a lump in her throat, "Liv it's your turn." Liv patted Amanda's hand. _"I'm thankful for my lil boy Noah here, first and foremost. I'm thankful for being employed and being leiutenant of an amazing squad. Amanda I'm thankful we are now friends and have overcome our differences and trust issues."_ Soon after that they dug into their food. Surprisingly the kids liked the turkey and veggies. After they finished the kids got down for a bit and went to play and get out of their moms' hair as long as they promised to call them out later for dessert.

They cleaned up the dinner dishes and wrapped up the left overs. After they finished that Liv poured them each a glass of wine. "Rollins drink it, you deserve a break." Amanda rolling her eyes, taking a sip of the red liquid "Oh for the love of God Liv, quit callin me Rollins. Call me Amanda. You call me Rollins outside of work and I'm looking over my shoulder thinking I'm in trouble." They talked a bit, softly bantering with each other. It was nice, wasn't any kind of resentment or attitude what so ever with either of them. Bout an hour later they called the kids out for their dessert, of course they come running for sweets. It was fun seeing the kids excited for treats and just genuinely having a good time together. When they had finished their dessert they went to go play again for a while. Liv and Amanda just relaxed and chatted, it felt good to just sit and talk "girl stuff" and not worrying about judgement. Both of them had been judged for most of their lives so it was hard to open up. Neither of them feeling afraid to open up and talk which was nice. The different thing with them was Liv had Alex to talk to years ago while Amanda had noone. So the trust level was building. It started to get late and they hadnt heard a peep from the kids in a while so they went to check on them. What they found could have melted the coldest of hearts. The two kids sleeping side by side holding hands. Amanda looked at Liv "Um so how do I get Jesse without waking them up?" Liv chuckled softly "I dont think that's going to happen. You could always take the couch and crash here." Amanda leaned her head on the wall, "As nice as that sounds Liv, we cant impose like that." Liv rubbed her back gently, "Nonsense Amanda, you're always welcome here."

They went back out to the living room, Liv wasnt planning on letting Amanda leave. She was enjoying kicking back and getting to really know her detective who was fastly becoming a great friend. Amanda ended up curling up on the couch and crashing. Liv knew she would, she pulled the blanket down over her friend. She went on over to the other couch and got comfortable as well.

"Amanda I am thankful for your forgiveness and your friendship."


	5. Intent & Desires

**This takes place in current season 19. Jesse, Noah, nor Frannie are existent in this particular fic. This is just what I saw in the episode "Intent" Hope yall like it This is also loosely based on the song "Hungover In A Hotel Room" by Luke Bryan. The song just plays and the ideas flow...**

 **Intent & Desires**

It was a case that was like no other. A well known MMA fighter was accused of raping an internet star. Nothing that they hadnt seen but this one had a bunch of twists and turns, especially when the victim whom Rollins and Carisi had met at the hospital, at first denied being assaulted. She didnt want to press charges and it just spiraled with confusing results. Come to find out the fighter Andy who went by " _The Monster_ " as well as the victim Katy had both been victims of a horrendous catfishing incident. It actually was driving the whole squad crazy cause at first the victim didnt want to say she was raped and then she finally told the truth that she infact had been raped. What was beknownst to any of them, was that Andy and Katy had both been set up by an outside person, i.e the catfish. She was bored with her life which included being very sheltered and left to take care of a mother who was cancer-stricken and unable to do anything, except cater to her mama and 'change her poop bag' as she kept stressing. So the woman took to being online. She somehow got involved with Andy and Katy and set the whole thing in motion. Supposedly at first it wasnt supposed to be malicious and hurt anyone but that quickly changed as the plot intensified.

So Carisi and Rollins were sent to West Virginia to arrest Heather aka "the catfish" and have her extradited to NY. Upon going there and getting that done, Rollins and Carisi decided to have some down time at the local bar. The deputy sheriff had joined them as well since they had apprehended the catfish and now was just a bit of a waiting game. It was lowkey kinda place. Had a country feel to it, which was granted as they were in the country. Amanda was enjoying herself, kickin back and drinking beers, with whom she thought was a friend she could hang out with. She would soon learn. After a bit the sheriff had definitly had a bit too much to drink and needed to go use the facilities. When he was taking a bit longer than normal Amanda told Sonny to go check on him. She had flirted with the bartender when Sonny was in the facilities and by the time he got back the bartender had sent over a round of drinks and shots. Amanda thought the chick was hot. She wasnt going to deny that. Since the deputy sheriff had left them, it was just the two of them chatting. Rollins feeling she was with a friend ended up tellin a story bout a past lover how she once took a bartender out back and banged his brains out. What noone knew was she also fancied the ladies, she figured they didnt need to know. It was her private life and where she didnt bring that part to work, they werent on the need to know. They shared a laugh then Amanda and Sonny headed to their hotel. Sonny was pretty well drunk but he was okay for the most part. Amanda had a bit of a buzz going on but she wasnt as inebriated as Sonny. When they got to Amanda's room as he was a gentleman and walked her to her room, they talked a lil more. Sonny kept hitting on Amanda paying her all sorts of compliments. It was nice to hear and she appreciated it, but where he was quite inebriated it made her leary. At one point he had touched her arm and she flinched, knowing that Sonny would never hurt her, still freaked her out. Him being as drunk as he was brought back memories of Patton and her rape. Again she knew Sonny would never do that to her, but that doesnt mean she couldnt be triggered and have flashbacks. Sonny leant in and it was almost a kiss, but Amanda didnt want to do that to him as she only saw him as a friend and sure didnt want to lead him on and hurt him. Besides what he didnt know was she had the bartender meeting her soon. Sonny had walked away with the sad puppy dog look, he had been crushing on Rollins and thought she felt the same way. Saying goodnight after the awkwardness of the attempted kiss Sonny ventured off to his own room.

Next morning, Sonny is talking Benson telling her the information, holding a coffee and lil plate of breakfast as he was heading back to Amanda's room. Much to his surprise he heard her talking, he was curious and then he saw the bartender that was at the lil bar they had visited the night before. Ohh that stung his pride just a bit and yeah you guessed pissed him the hell off. He was a bit angry at the fact Rollins had brushed him off and sent him back to his room only to have the bartender come to her room. He was confused at the fact that it as infact a woman that shared Amanda's night.

They had to go pick up Heather and start the drive home. Amanda felt more and more that something was bugging Sonny. She couldnt put her finger on it. He was really pissy and she didnt like it. She wrote it off as he was prolly tired. Little did she know. She was about to be on the receiving end of his attitude. She saw him getting frustrated so she offered to drive. He told her no and that he was fine, she could however hear the short fuse in his reply. She gave up. Something was up his ass and she didnt want to deal with it. Heather asked a few questions especially about "The monster" and Sonny was okay with her, answering her questions being the nice Sonny that Amanda knew. So Amanda gathered that his attitude was towards her. Where it was a long ass car ride she just let it go. Closing her eyes, she drifted off for a bit. The woman from the other night filling her thoughts, bringing a bit of a smile to her face. It was a pretty sight when she smiled as she had dimples. Sonny caught her smiling. "I guess you're reliving last night Rollins. Let me guess its something from last night making you smile, could it be turning me down and making me feel like an ass?"Amanda rolled her eyes before completely closing her eyes and turning to face the outside.

Back at the precinct

They got back to the precinct, filling in Liv and Fin on all that took place. Liv and Amanda took to questioning Heather once more. Trying to close gaps and get all the facts for the impending court case. Hopefully clearing Andy's name so that "The Monster" wasnt tarnished forever with a rape that was never supposed to happen. This was a situation where you truly felt bad for all involved.

The trial went on. Barba did his thing. Heather ended up being found guilty of her actions. What surprised her was that had never happened to her before. She had never been held accountable for her own actions. Thankfully it was over. Andy had come over and apologized to Katy and she apologized to him as well. They were both the victims of the situation and understood that. The thing that hurt Katy the most in all of this besides the rape was that she had been a virgin at the time. The rape was her first ever experience in intimacy. Broke Liv's heart to have heard the admission but at least this was a start to their healing and hopefully positive healing would continue for both Andy and Katy.

Out in the squad room

Tensions were high. Carisi was still giving Amanda the cold shoulder. She had no idea why. She also had no clue he had seen her late night guest leaving. It was all about to come to a head. Rollins dressed casually as she was in a brown tshirt and ass hugging jeans which Carisi did find himself staring at. The object of his crushing had a great figure and he knew that. She had asked him if he wanted to go get lunch with her. He told her no that he wasnt hungry. She then tried to see if he wanted some coffee and he again told her no. She could tell in his tone that he was bothered at something and apparently that something was her. Annoyed the hell out of her. Just like he was hurt at the rejection the night before, he was about to turn that on her. "Whats with the attitude Sonny?" she asked, knowing she wasnt going to like the answer but she had to know. She also had the sinking feeling that she was going to have to defend her actions and she shouldnt have to considering she was a grown woman. He just looked at her, and his look told her all she needed to know. He was disgusted with her, looking down at her. She really didnt need this bullshit. Placing her hands on his desk and getting slightly in his face, her cleavage right in eyeview if he dared to look down. "Look I really dont know what your problem is with me, but the sly lil looks arent doing shit to help out the situation. So why dont you tell me what your fucking problem is." Again he just continued to look at her with that same look. Not answering her, which that was making her blood boil. _Why did he feel all the sudden to do this to her? Why was he making her feel like she had to justify her actions and or explain herself to him?_ She was getting really pissed. Slamming her hands on his desk and getting even more into his face, she raised her voice "Its obvious now. You saw her leaving my room this morning. Let me tell you this Sonny." He looked at her right in her eyes. The stare didnt make her back down one bit. She went off.

" **You do know I'm human, right? Right, and human people have sex, sometimes with people they love, sometimes with people they dont even know, and sometimes with people who are pains in the ass."**

The look in her eyes had betrayed her and let him know the way he was acting towards her had infact hurt the woman he had feelings for. She went on to add that just because her company had been a woman didnt give him any kind of right to judge her like he was. "You know Sonny, I dont deserve to be treated like a slut or looked at like that either. Just like you have feelings, well I do too." After about a minute of awkward quietness between them she went to the cribs. _"How can he judge me like that? If I was Fin or Carisi for that fact it wouldnt matter, this wouldnt be a fucking problem."_ She was hurt and she was mad. Liv had come out looking for Amanda to see how she was as they had been getting closer. "Carisi where did Rollins go off too?" He looked up at Olivia, he couldnt catch an attitude with her but he was angry. "I dont know maybe she went to meet up with her one night stand from last night." Olivia sent him a warning look "Carisi." He looked back up at her ' _goddamn why cant anyone just let him do his damn work.'_ "Leiu? What? She went and hooked up with some random stranger last night. I call that very slutty." This was pissing Liv off now. She had never seen Sonny this mean and cold before. "Carisi, you know I dont go for that. If she had company last night, doesnt mean she's a slut. So dont refer to her as that. Now let's try this again, do you know where she went off to? I need to speak with her." He rolled his eyes, and told her that it looked like _Rollins_ went to the cribs.

Liv saw that the cribs door was closed. She looked in and saw Amanda just sitting there. She felt for the blonde detective who seemed to be once again getting slut shamed. She knocked on the door gently just to give the blonde a heads up that someone was coming into the room. Speaking softly cause she didnt want to upset the blonde any more than she possibly was. "Amanda what's going on? I havent seen this much hostility between you and Carisi since he started here." Amanda swiped at the angry tears "Why the fuck do I have to explain myself to anyone? Huh? Last I checked I'm a grown ass woman. Oh no I take that back. According to Carisi now I'm a slut." Amanda putting her head in her hands, and doing so was giving Liv a view of her cleavage. Oh hell Liv wasnt going to deny the fact she thought Rollins was a beautiful woman. But right now certainly wasnt the time for that. Internally telling herself to knock it off. Liv sat down next to Amanda on the cot. "Amanda I never said you had to explain yourself to me. I was just curious as to what is going on between you and Carisi. I also wanted you to know that I just told Carisi I didnt like the way he talked to you and treated you. Pissed me off when he had the gall to call you a slut. It doesnt matter to me that you had company last night. That was your choice, noone elses." Amanda nodded. "Thanks Liv. I appreciate that." Amanda was uncomfortable, she wanted to get out of there. Her feelings were hurt. Not by Liv, but by someone she had let herself get close to. She had honestly viewed him as a really good friend that she could trust. Obviously that wasnt the case anymore. The tears started to fall. Liv didnt know what to do, she didnt want to further upset the blonde by touching her but then again she didnt want to see her cry. Gently placing her hand on Amanda's back she started to rub in a gentle circular motion. "Honey it's okay to be upset. I'm sorry he hurt you. Is there anything I can do for you?" Amanda shrugged. "Dont judge me, when I tell you this." Liv held her hand. "I promise I wont. Please tell me."

"Well my company last night was female." Liv was stunned, once again Amanda had rendered her speechless. For one, she didnt know that Rollins fancied the ladies and for two maybe she'd have a chance with the woman she had developed a crush on. Liv looked her in her eyes "I wouldnt care if your company had been male, doesnt make it right for Carisi to call you that." Amanda nodded. Tears were starting to build up in her eyes. "You're right it doesnt. Also doesnt change the fact that he did. You know it almost feels like back with the whole Patton issue. I know the whole department hasnt slut shamed me, but Liv I trusted him." She put her hands up to her face, she didnt want her leiutenant to see her cry. Liv went to Amanda, pulling her in her arms, tightly hugging her. "I know you trusted him and you are hurt and betrayed right now. Sweetie, why dont I have Fin cover for me and you and I can go to my apartment and just relax? Maybe even talk? Whatever you like? I honestly dont want to send you home alone." Amanda didnt want to intrude on Olivia's night. "I'm okay Liv, I'm just gonna go home and put my ass to bed, and that will be alone."

She felt for her friend/colleague. This was horrible and Liv knew she went through it before. She had gone through it in Atlanta when she was slut shamed and not believed. She really didnt want Amanda to be alone tonight. She attempted again to convince the blonde to go home with her. She knew too that it was uncomfortable as Liv was her superior and look what happened with Patton. "Please Amanda, you dont have to talk, you dont have to do anything. Hell you can come over and just crash on my couch. I just dont want you to be alone tonight." Amanda's eyes got dark, like something was taking over her. "Liv I appreciate the offer, but what happens if I need more tonight huh? Cant really handle another work scandal going around that I _'fucked'_ the boss again." Liv took Amanda's hand, she knew she was hurting something wicked with the way Carisi had reacted to her rejecting him. "Look sweetie whatever happens between us, regardless of what it is and even what is said. Amanda it's just that _between us_ , no one else."

After a little bit of practically pleading with Amanda, Liv got her to agree to come to her place. The ride back to her apartment was quiet. The blonde not having much to say nor trusting her voice right now. Not alot of people gave a shit about her one that she thought did showed true colors when she rejected his advances, but another was working herself into her tiny trust bubble and this one happened to be sitting right next to her was proving that she genuinely cared. Amanda rested her head back against the seat, much to Olivia's disappointment she closed her eyes. There was something bout Amanda's eyes. The way Amanda was leaning back, gave Liv a view of the soft cleavage. She figured Amanda must be trusting her cause there was no way she'd be this relaxed to sleep. Though in actuality Amanda wasnt asleep she was infact resting her eyes and could feel Liv's gaze on her.

"See something you like?"

Liv's eyes snapped back on the road. Damn how did Amanda do that with her eyes closed. Amanda gently pat Liv's thigh. "Liv it's okay. I've always been able to feel someone looking at me. I dont mind it, doesnt bother me." Liv nodded. " _Why was the urge to touch Amanda so high right now?"_ "I um, was just making sure you were okay. You actually looked really peaceful sleeping." Amanda chuckled. "Mmhmm. Please tell me you have some kind of booze at your apartment."

It took them about another ten minutes to get to Liv's apartment. As they walked up to it she decided to answer Amanda's question about the booze. "Amanda, when have you known me not to at least have some wine?" Amanda again chuckled, "True that Liv." Liv told Amanda to make herself at home. Amanda feeling strangely comfortable and at ease kicked off her boots, making herself even more comfortable by tucking one of her legs underneath her, jeans werent too comfortable cause they were tight as shit, but other than that she was at ease. Her anger and hurt slowly fading away. She started replaying Carisi's words and a tear trickled down her cheek, just as Liv walked over. She saw the blonde content on the couch but could see the tears glossing the beautiful blue orbs. "Oh sweetie what's wrong?" Gently thumbing away her tears. "Sweetie, talk to me. Do you want a drink?"

Next thing Liv knew Amanda was kissing her. Liv kissing her right back not missing a beat. It was Amanda who eventually broke the kiss. Breathless, eyes dilated and a darker shade of blue, blushing "Oh shit Liv. I'm sorry. I shouldnt have done that." Liv pulled Amanda closer placing a finger gently on Amanda's soft lips. "Ssh honey, I'm glad you did." Amanda's brow curling in confusion. "You are? Why's that?" Liv gently kissed Amanda's lips. "Because honey to be honest I've been wanting to do that for quite some time now." Amanda blushed. She had no idea what-so-ever that Olivia had these feelings, let alone even found her remotely attractive. Granted yeah she did like guys as well but right now she was more feeling the ladies. The ladies seemed to be more understanding and loving while the men all they wanted was a fuck and ride, with the exception of Carisi who seemed different til he practically slut shamed her for the one night stand. Amanda had tears in her eyes, for some reason having Liv admit to her that she had been wanting to kiss her was just surprising her. Granted she knew she was good looking woman, hell who didnt like a blonde-haired and blue eye woman? This felt more though, if that made any sense. She knew this wouldnt be just one of her random hook-ups. There was more here than what they anticipated. Amanda had feelings that she had never admitted to until now. Liv had been crushing on her for some time now.

They had been laying down, kissing and caressing each other. Was gentle with just enough passion. Comfortable and safe. Amanda never had this before. Usually with her one nighters it was fire, not patience, no caring, just feeling. This was more than that. She felt a connection with Olivia. Just if this was to keep escalating where would it leave them especially where Olivia was her boss. Amanda got her voice to speak, which was very husky and full of lust "Um Liv, what will happen if this goes further. I cannot have over my head again that I fucked a boss." Liv kissed her cheek, "Sweetie it would never come to that. I wouldnt let it. If this is happening between us, this is where it stays... Between us. Amanda I'm liking this. It feels right, like this is what was supposed to happen all along." She takes Amanda's face gently in her hands. "But sweetie if you want we can stop. I can go in my room and you can just relax on the couch like we planned. This is your call, well its our call. I just want to make sure you're comfortable and okay with what is between us." Amanda relaxed a bit more, why not she was safe in Olivia's apartment. "Can we just stay like this for now. I dont want to just fuck you to get over some stupid shit Carisi said. When we have sex I want it because we both are ready. Dont want ya to be another notch in my belt so to speak." Liv kissed Amanda's forehead. "So you're saying you want more than just a random fuck with me?" Amanda nodded, "Yes. I feel something different with you, therefore I want to approach this right and not have rebound sex with you."

After saying that they just stayed in each others arms. Still continuing to kiss, but something was growing between them. Just what it was they were on their way to finding out.

 ** _Not too sure if I have another chapter in me for this. But reviews are always welcome. Sorry its taken so long. I got this idea and went with it as my others aren't coming to me as easily._**


	6. Back Home

**This takes place right along the lines of " _Gone Baby Gone"_ It takes off a lil after the get together, some Amanda and Olivia bonding. Both having somewhat heart to heart. **

**_"I think we can get Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny to stop for pancakes."_**

Best way to end the two day spree of sheer hell trying to find her son. She couldnt have asked for a better squad and friends. They didnt play around. Amanda ripping into the guy and his daughter, oh Liv had heard about the bitchslap that she gave him. She couldnt be more proud of the woman.

When she had tucked Noah back into his bed with Eddie, his stuffed elephant. She kissed his head and told him again for what seemed the millionth time that she loved him. This little boy was her life, her son, her everything. After he had fallen asleep she ventured out to the living room. She didnt feel like going into her room, too far away from her baby. Just as she sat down she had seen that Amanda had text her, checking on her. She was beyond grateful that her and Amanda had gotten close.

 **"Hey Liv, just wanted to check and see how you are doing. I know you are relieved that Noah is back home where he belongs. If you need anything let dont hesitate to call or text, no matter what time it is. Tell Noah Aunt Amanda and Jesse love him, and love you too Aunt Liv." - Amanda**

Liv smiled when she saw that. So ever grateful that they had bonded. And her calling her ' _Aunt Liv'_ stole her heart. Well her heart was being stolen for another reason but she really didnt want to go there, didnt want to ruin the bonding that she and Amanda were finally doing. Plus having the playdates with the kids.

 **"Amanda thank you so much for checking in on us. Yeah it's so good to have him home, you have no idea. Scared out of my mind I was never going to see my baby boy again. It's cause of you guys that I got my son back. I do hope you and Jesse will come over tomorrow for a get together I'm having and Noah did ask to play with Jesse and see you. Plus I would really like it if you came. You're my family." - Liv**

Amanda smiled when she read the text, cuddling with Jesse, god how she loved her baby girl. She couldnt imagine going through what Liv had just been through. There's no way she'd be strong enough to handle that. She shook off her thought to respond to Liv.

 **"Of course I'd check on you. Jesse and I will definitly be there. You're our family too Liv." -Amanda**

The next day came, she was getting Jesse ready. The excitement this lil girl had to go see Noah. Amanda was leary on seeing Sonny outside of work as they still hadnt talked much since the incident in West Virginia. Amanda really couldnt talk to him. It was still fresh and she was still hurt. What would he do if he really found out who she was crushing on?

They had a nice dinner, just family spending time together. It meant alot to Liv. After a bit everyone started heading home. Fin had left first, then Carisi after hugging Jesse, then Noah and Liv, as well as shaking Rafael's hand. He couldnt bring himself to really talk to Amanda so he waved bye. Liv was noticing the hostility between her subordinates. After Rafael left Liv sat on the couch next to Amanda. Jesse and Noah were playing with building blocks. His patience with the lil blonde girl was amazing.

"Amanda thank you and Jesse so much for coming. You have made Noah's night." Amanda smiled. She liked this side of Liv. "Im glad you thought to invite us." Noah looked at Jesse and whispered something in her ear. The lil girl smiling. Liv caught onto the whispering, laughing she looked at Amanda and then back to the kids "okay you two, what are you up to?" Jesse looked at Noah, Noah smiled and lightly pushed Jesse to go over to Liv. Walking the few steps over to Olivia the little blonde toddler who was the spitting image of her mother had a huge smile on her face. Jesse hugged Liv, "Aunt Liv, I was wondering. Well Noah and I were wondering..." The little girl getting nervous to ask Olivia the question that she and Noah were talking about. Amanda played with her daughters hair while she tried to ask Liv. Liv gently taking the toddlers hand and speaking "What were you wondering sweetie?" "Aunt Liv, can mama and I spend the night? Noah and I promise to behave. We havent played together in a while. So can we please? Please mama? Please Aunt Liv? We will behave." Liv and Amanda both looked at each other. Liv speaking first "Well sweetie if your mama doesnt mind, I have no problem with it." Amanda chuckled these damn kids. "I guess we can stay. That is if you really dont mind Liv." Liv smiled. "Actually I'd enjoy it. It would give us sometime to hang out and talk."

It was decided that Amanda and lil Jesse were gonna stay over. While the kids played they talked. "So Amanda have you heard from Declan at all?" Amanda took a sip of her drink. Shaking her head no she prepared to answer. "The last time I heard from him was shortly before I gave birth. I have sent messages via emails and pics. Havent heard anything. He does however help out financially which is nice. I dont mind raising Jesse on my own, dont get me wrong it sure as hell ain't easy but I do whatever I have to for my baby girl." Liv put her hand gently on the blonde who for some reason had started to tremble. "Amanda I know you will. You do, you're a great mom. Speaking of that honey, what do you have her going by, Jesse Murphy or Jesse Rollins? Just curious you dont have to answer if you dont want to." Amanda cracked her neck as she prepped to answer. "Im having her use my last name. Do you think that's okay? I just wanna do whats best for my baby girl." Liv nodded yes. "Amanda you are doing what's right. Dont second guess yourself. Youre a good mom." Amanda blushed at the compliment. "As are you Liv, you were trying to give Noah the best and him have a relationship with Sheila. You did nothing wrong. She betrayed you and your trust, and now she's gonna pay. But let's not focus on that. Let's focus on what's right here and now. You have your son home where he belongs, and you have all of us who love and adore both of you." Liv was grateful for the feeling of a family. She and Amanda watched the kids play. They interacted so well even with Noah being older. He was gentle and guiding just like his mom. Amanda even told Liv that she had instilled the morals in her child that he is growing up with. It got to be late, Liv told Amanda to let Jesse sleep in Noah's room since the kids didnt want to be separated. They tucked the kids in, thankful that Liv had two twin beds now. After getting them tucked in Liv offered Amanda a glass of wine.

"Dont mind if I do." Amanda replied as she made herself comfy on the plush couch that Olivia had. "Ill help pick up those blocks too." Liv sat down next to Amanda curling her legs up underneath her. "So Amanda besides what happened in West Virginia anyone in your life currently?" Amanda blushed at the thought of her one night stand in WV. It was fun, Jesse was home with the nanny. It was one night and she had used protection. The only shitty thing was she had practically lost her best friend over it. "Nope. There's no one, just me and Jesse. Dont really have time to deal with that." Liv put her hand on Amanda's shoulder "Sweetie I didnt ask you to condemn you. You're a grown woman and you obviously have needs." Amanda smiled sheepishly "Yeah you are right but look what that cost me. Liv, it cost me someone I trusted." Amanda turned quickly so Liv couldnt see the tears that were starting to fall. "Look can we just change the subject please?" Amanda's voice breaking on that last part. "I will just say this one more time. I am not a slut."

Amanda went to go change, since Liv had invited them to sleep over, she had laid out a pair of sweats and t-shirt for Amanda to sleep in. While Amanda changed Liv went to change as well. She wanted to cuddle the blonde. Yeah she had a shitty couple days thank god with a good outcome but Amanda had been being tormented by a decision she made while on a case, it didnt interfere with her job and she shouldnt be chastised for it. Liv looked at Amanda as she came out of the bathroom in the borrowed sweats and t-shirt. She couldnt help but check out the petite blonde. "Hey Manda, you okay? You seem detached all the sudden." Amanda nodded "Yeah I'm okay. Just tired of being alone at times. I'm sure you know the feeling." Liv shook her head in agreement. "I know the feeling. You wanna curl up and watch a movie?" After asking that Liv thought to herself _"what the fuck did I just do, asking her to curl up and watch a movie."_ Amanda wanted nothing more than to do that, but this was her boss. She couldnt cross this line.

"Liv would that be smart? We cant let this get out of hand." Amanda's eyes went down cause she really did want the comfort. Liv took Amanda's hand "Hey noone is going to slut shame you here. You hear me. If you want to cuddle, that's what we do. It's whatever you want Amanda. Granted there is an attraction on my behalf but I'm getting vibes that the attraction is mutual." Amanda nodded cause she was right. Speaking softly "yeah I wanna cuddle Liv." Amanda laid on the couch and Liv cuddled up behind her. For some reason this felt right to both of them. Liv put on her netflix and picked Will & Grace reruns, they needed something light hearted after the stress of everything. Liv cuddled Amanda close. "I just want to thank you for being here for me through all of this Amanda. Means a great deal. Our friendship has grown a great deal and it means alot." Amanda smiled. "You've done the same for me Liv."


	7. Unexpected Valentines Rendevous

_**short lil fic that came to mind. A lil valentines day thing. I know its after Valentines day, but I can only write when I have ideas. Hope yall like it**_

Day at the precinct wrapped up early, Valentines Day at that. Amanda was newly single as her and her girlfriend Rileigh split up. She was younger and just didnt get why Amanda worked late and why she didnt have set hours. Amanda got tired of explaining to her that being a detective you had no set hours and that you could work early in the morning all the way through the night.

"Mandy, we never see each other. By the time you come home I'm usually asleep. I do like you alot and enjoy being with you, but at that point I'm tired of this. We aren't intimate at all anymore and that's not healthy. So why dont we just go our separate ways." There wasnt anything Amanda could do, it was quite obvious that this was what Rileigh wanted to make her happy. Amanda wiped a tear from her eye "If that is what you really want. I wont hold you back." Rileigh looked at Amanda and nodded, then went to pack up her things.

Thinking to herself _'Well this turned out to be a great fucking Valentines Day.'_ "Rileigh lock up when you leave. I'm goin' out for a drink." Rileigh told her okay. She knew she had hurt Amanda but she just wasnt happy anymore.

Olivia had just had the worst evening. Coming home and getting into a huge fight with Tucker. This time the fight was final. He had brought up once again that he thought she should retire. She wasnt ready for that, not by any means. She still loved her job, especially when she was able to get the victim justice. He told her now that it was either him or the job. He had pretty much left IAB not too long before and now he wanted to travel the world, see the sites and he wanted to do that with his girlfriend. Since she had told him no. He told her he was done coming in second place.

"Olivia I love you dearly. I have loved you for quite some time, but I cant take you and this job anymore. So it's going to have to come down to us and me or its going to be the job." Olivia looked at him, she wasnt ready to give up her job. She had busted her ass to get to where she was.

"I am not retiring Ed. I'm not apologizing for wanting to continue to do something I love. So if your ultimatum is you or the job, then I guess we are saying goodbye because the person who says they love me wouldnt make me choose between my job or him." Liv rolled her eyes up, "Thanks for a great Valentine's Day Ed. You can leave." Liv text Alex to meet her for a drink so they could talk. Alex was unable to unfortunately cause she was out of town. She went to the local bar and she ended up running into her detective, yeah Amanda had gone to the same bar she went to.

Walking into the bar Liv wasnt surprised that it was fairly quiet. Go figure it was after all Valentines Day most people were home with their significant others. She saw a familiar blonde sitting on the stools at the counter. She walked over and ordered a glass of red wine. "Hey Rollins." Amanda turned around at her name being called. Came close to spilling her beer as she turned. "Olivia, what brings you here? Thought you were going home to Tucker for a romantic dinner."

Liv took a sip of her wine. "Well I could ask the same thing there Amanda. You had said something bout going home to your girlfriend for a special night." Amanda chuckled "Yeah you can but I asked you first." Amanda sat there taking a swig of her beer waiting for Liv to answer. She looked over at Liv and it looked like she was out to space. So Amanda put her hand gently on hers, "Hey Liv, it's fine, you dont have to tell me. I just figured I'd ask since you asked me." Liv shook her head "No its fine. I did ask you."

They sat quiet for a bit. Amanda had ordered a shot of tequila. "Rollins do you think I'm old?" Amanda choked on her shot, when she heard Liv's question. Sputtering when she answered "Wh-wha-what kind of question is that? Do I think you're old?" Liv smiled, she had seen something she hadnt seen in the blonde before and that was a blush. Liv sipped her wine again "Yes Amanda I do believe I asked your opinion if you think I'm old." Of course Amanda counteracted her question by asking what made her ask that. She finally got the truth of why Liv was out and about.

"Well Amanda, you're going to find out anyway. It's over between Tucker and I." Amanda ordered another beer, and asked what had happened. Liv herself ordered another wine. "Since he left IAB he thought it was time I seriously looked into retiring. Amanda I'm not ready to give up my job. I like my job all aspects of it even with it being as gruesome as it is. So I told him it was goodbye cause if he really loved me then he would have never given me the ultimatum. So now you know I'm single and why I'm at the bar on this Valentines day. So now it's your turn to tell me what brings you here." Amanda looked at her her blue eyes shining with a bit of hurt. "Well I got home and Rileigh told me she wasnt happy anymore, apparently we dont see enough of each other. I told her I didnt want to hold her back and that was it. Couple years down and on Valentines Day that is. This shitty ass holiday. So while she was packing I told her to lock up that I was going for a drink, and here I am."

They continued to chat. Both of them glad they had someone to talk to, not to mention to fend off the single guys that all they wanted was a piece of ass to go home with. Rollins though the more drinks she had the more attractive her boss became to her. She decided she was going to nip it in the bud before she acted on an impulse that she was bound to regret.

"Well Liv, as fun as this is I should get going. The booze is talking and it's smarter if I get my ass home before I do something that can cost me a friend and my job." Liv put her hand on Amanda's to try and stop her. "How are you going to go home if your now ex is still there. Dont you just have a one bedroom?" Amanda looked at Liv, blue eyes blazing with some sort of feeling, or maybe the alcohol burning through her system was working it's magic. "I do have a couch Liv. I've slept on it more times than I can count. Not the most comfortable thing in the world but enough to let me get some sleep and be at work tomorrow."

She just couldnt leave though. Since both of them had been pretty much jilted by their lovers it left them not wanting to return to their abodes. Liv looked at her, "Hey how bout we not go home? How bout we say screw them and we just get a room so we can get some sleep." Amanda's eyes widened, sleep was the last thing on her mind right now, especially with all the amber liquid in her system. How to tell her boss that her idea may not be the best was gonna be hard. "Liv I dont know. I myself am in a mood and should prolly be alone, and sleep is the last thing I want to do right now." Liv looked at Amanda, she knew exactly what Amanda was referring to. "Amanda I didnt say anything about sleeping." Amanda blushed. Amanda glared at Liv, "Liv I dont mean any disrespect but I'm not looking to go to a room where it's just talking all night."

Liv stared right back into Amanda's eyes, inching closer, she whispered in Amanda's ear "I didnt say anything about talking." She then gently nipped Amanda's ear. After giving a not so hard bite to Amanda's ear Liv spoke huskily "So are we gonna get that room?"

They found a pretty decent hotel not too far from the precinct which was where they had to work tomorrow. Right now they werent worried bout being seen in the same attire as they had on today.

Walking into the room, Liv shut and locked the door behind them. She walked over and gently placed her hands on Amanda's face bringing her closer to her. Liv's eyes dark and full of lust, looking down quickly she could see Amanda's lips practically begging for her to kiss them, they were plump, pink and inviting as all hell.

They began to kiss, who knew the attraction was there? Well unbeknownst to Olivia, Amanda did have a bit of a crush on her leiutenant. Olivia felt a spark she had only felt once before and that was with Alex. Unbeknownst to Amanda as well that Liv had a bit of an attraction to her as well. After a few minutes of heated kissing which Amanda knew was going to land them in bed, she halted. Stepping back from Liv. Finding her voice which was very husky with apparent arousal "Liv, are you sure. I dont want regrets or hard times at work to plague me." Liv pulled the blonde closer to her one again, she kissed her yet again with a fiery passion. "First off Amanda, I'm in complete control of my actions so there will be no regrets. Second I know you and am obviously attracted to you. Third why should we be lonely on this holiday when we are newly single and obviously we want this."

Liv began to kiss Amanda with more passion. God this woman was hot. Amanda had begun to let her inhibitions go. She pulled Liv closer to her, their breasts touching, sending tingles throughout each of them. Maybe this was supposed to happen. Liv looked Amanda in her eyes, she wanted permission to undo her blouse. The silk shirt hot with the blondes warm body. Amanda silently gave her permission for Liv to undo her blouse. Liv unbuttoned each one and when she finally pushed the shirt open, revealing a pale pink lace bra, she placed a hot kiss right in the cleavage which made Amanda buck. The pale, silky skin was beautiful to her. Laying another kiss Liv murmured "so beautiful." She gently pushed the blonde back onto the bed.

Since Liv was mounted ontop of her, Amanda was just in awe of her beauty. She began to unbutton Liv's shirt, revealing a simple black bra. Amanda kissed and nibbled her way down from Liv's voluptuous breasts down to her navel. Liv moaned "mmm Manda" Amanda looked up quickly into Liv's eyes "you like that huh?"

They continued their foreplay. Taking their time, even though they were hot and wanted this, there was something different in each of them. Each wanted to take the time to explore the others body and make the other feel as beautiful as possible. Amanda usually the bold one all the sudden shy and reserved now that all the barriers were gone between them. Maybe her buzz was wearing off but she was shy. Liv propped herself up "Amanda do you know how beautiful you are?" Amanda really wasnt used to this, though her and Rileigh didnt have a bad relationship she wasnt overly complimented either. Blushing a bit she pulled Liv down on her to feel her and to kiss her.

Started to get heavy once again as the two of them couldnt keep their hands from roaming and exploring. Sending shivers up each others spines. Their bodies writhing against each other, cores hot and ready to explode. Finally unable to take anymore, both of them slipping digits into each others being. Flicking and stroking to bring each to their moment. Amanda nipping at Liv's lips as she was right there trying to wait til Liv was on her brink. Couple more hard flicks and Liv was there. Both of their hot heat pouring out. Lazy languid feelings between them. After collapsing on Amanda and laying for a few moments, Liv looked up into those cobalt eyes looking at her. "So how was that for a valentines day dump?"

Amanda smiled, kissing the top of Liv's head and holding Liv tighter. "It definitly made up for it, thats for sure." Liv hugged her tighter and then rolled off to the side. "How bout we cuddle for the rest of the night." Amanda nodded "I'd like that. But heres a good question, how are we going to explain wearing the same clothes tomorrow without looking like we did the obvious?" Liv chuckled "They'll never suspect us, as we havent hung out together outside of work unless its been with them. It'll be our little valentines secret."

Amanda laughed "An unexpected Valentines rendevous, I like that."


	8. Loyalty & Trust

**This drabble takes off in season 19 "chasing demons" so Jesse and Noah are present. Kinda shows Amanda's newfound protectiveness of Olivia. For one we all know Rollins hates Cassidy so. Hope you enjoy it.**

 **"Hey would you mind coming and picking up Noah?"**

The call that shocked Amanda that morning. Amanda didnt mind. She and Liv had been getting on alot better lately and Amanda was honored that Liv trusted her with Noah. Amanda told Liv she'd be right there once she had dropped Jesse at daycare. She hoped all was okay with Liv as she sounded tense on the phone. She got there not too long later. Knocking on the door Liv walked out with Noah. "Noah you're gonna go with Auntie Amanda." He looked at Amanda kind of unsure on what was going on and why his routine was being thrown off, but he loved seeing Amanda. Liv looked at Amanda, she knew Amanda sensed something was up. Amanda kept smiling at Noah, telling him she was gonna take him to breakfast and then to school. Liv hugged Noah again. "So my sweet boy, Auntie Amanda is going to take you for breakfast and then to school. After school Lucy will be there to get you." Noah nodded hugging Liv "Okay Mommy, love you." Amanda gave Liv a questioning look "So are you going to be at the precinct today?" Liv nodded that she would there was just something she needed to do first.

Amanda took Noah to breakfast, he was like her nephew and she didnt want to disrupt how Liv was having him address her as _'auntie Amanda'_. She liked spending time with him as well. He was drawing on his paper mat. Amanda saw him draw a pair of boots. She cocked her head and asked him what was up with the boots, she knew they werent his as he was just a boy and she knew for damn sure they werent Liv's as they were obviously mens boots. He looked up, "I dont know, I saw them there this morning when I got up." Amanda was a bit confused as to what infact Liv was hiding. She could understand being unsettled cause of the court case going to a mistrial no thanks in part to Brian Cassidy doing what he does best and fucking shit up. How she disliked that man. She got to the precinct and went to talk to Liv. She walked into Liv's office without stopping to talk to the guys. Closing the door behind her to give her and Liv privacy she started to ask Liv. "What's with the mens boots in your apartment?" Liv just looked at her. "Excuse me?" Amanda was annoyed "You're really gonna make me work this hard for it?" Liv looked at her again and decided to be honest and not lie. ""They're Cassidy's. It's not what you think. He went to West's brownstone to 'admonish' him." Amanda glared, why the hell was Liv trying to cover for him. "Admonish him?" Liv made eye contact again with Amanda. "He never got the chance. He got hit over the head from behind and when he woke up he found West's body." Amanda wanted to scoff but she was pissed "And you believe that?"

Something about him got under her skin and not in a good way. She just didnt like the man. She actually viewed him like her ex Nate. He seemed just like that. He sure as hell wasnt what Liv needed in her life especially with Noah. After leaving precinct and dealing with the new detective that was making it hard for them to investigate West's death, she decided to go back to Liv's she wanted to know what the hell was going on. Shit if Liv trusted her enough to give her a key then by all means. She wasnt going to like what she was bout to find at Liv's apartment.

Over at Olivia's apartment Brian is just relaxing, after showing up in the middle of the night and waking Liv. He had thrown her for a loop especially for the shit he pulled with the child abuse investigation and almost causing her to lose Noah. Now he was staying there. He had no idea that Rollins and Benson had gotten close let alone that Rollins has a key to her apartment. Well he was about to find out.

He hadnt expected Liv to come back since she had told him she was going to the precinct, but he heard the key turning and the door opening. "Liv that you?" Amanda scowled when she heard that voice. What in hell was Cassidy doing at her apartment especially after court. What the hell was Liv thinking?" He was shocked as shit to see of all people in Olivia's apartment but Amanda Rollins. She went legit off. "You're really gonna sit here and let Liv destroy her own career? Stone's in her office right now ripping her a new one cause he found out we're back investigating the West case. What are you going to do if charges are brought against her?" He looked at her, smugly from the couch. "That's not gonna happen." Oh the more and more he talked the more and more Amanda got pissed off. This was her damn friend he was fucking over. "Why? Cause you've got your own ass covered, Brian?" This time Brian got up, right into Amanda's face. "That's real rich coming from you, Rollins. You've got a couple of skeletons in your closet, dont you? Who bailed you out huh?" Rollins had clearly had enough. She told him that if he ever cared about Liv to turn himself in. It was so hostile, she hated him, fuck she despised him. Next on to see Liv since she had now not only put her own ass on the line but also Amanda's too. This was not the shit she needed to deal with today. All she wanted to do was wrap this fucking day up and go home to cuddle Jesse.

Back at the precinct Amanda was trying to keep her cool. She didnt want to ruin the friendship with her boss, but now after finding him staying at Liv's and having the confrontation her ass was now on the line as well. She didnt need it to be on the line. She didnt want it to be on the line. Here went nothing as she walked into Liv's office again. Once again closing the door. She wanted this to be private, but she also wanted to get her point across too. She had Liv's back no matter what but goddamn why did it always have to come to the point where they had to confront one another. It got quite heated though respectful. Once Amanda had clearly had enough with the talk she left it at this.

" **It's not just your ass on the line now. It's mine too."**

With that she walked out of the office for the day. She was fried. Couldnt take anymore stress. She text her nanny that she was on the way home and to let Jesse stay up. She just needed some time with her baby girl. It took her no time at all to get home. She payed the nanny for the night and went to play with her sweet girl. Knowing Jesse didnt really understand her she could talk freely. _"Why can she trust that man? She says she trusts me, I even have a key to her place. But at the same time it seems like she doesnt. It hurts cause I thought we were past this."_ Jesse sensing her mama needed some love, put her lil arms around her mama. "I love you mama." Her daughters gesture made her smile. She hugged her tightly "I love you too baby girl, I always will." Since the nanny had said Jesse had already had dinner, she gave her a bath and sat down in the lazyboy rocker to read her a story. Jesse curled right up with her mama, all snug in her feetie pajamas she held her bunny close and sucked her thumb as Amanda read 'Guess How Much I Love You' seemed fitting for tonight. Just as she finished the book Jesse had fallen asleep. She carried her lil girl to her bedroom and put her to bed. Much easier now with the toddler bed rails on the twin bed, tucking her in kissing her forehead, telling her she loved her, she then turned the light out and left the night light on. She stood there watching her baby girl for a few minutes enjoying the peaceful and serene quiet. Since she was still in her work clothes she decided to take a hot shower and get into her pajamas. She used to sleep in the nude but ever since she had Jesse she started sleeping in shorts and a tshirt. Putting on the soft materal made her relax even more. Just as she went to grab herself a beer and plop down for the night her phone went off. Damn text alerts, she couldnt have just one quiet evening could she?

 **"** _ **Amanda, look I want to apologize for today. I should have been upfront with you. Sure as hell didnt want you to find out how you did. I also appreciate you taking Noah this morning and giving him some one on one time with his auntie. Please can we talk about this? I trust you and I fucked up."** _

Amanda looked at the message. She was so hurt and betrayed not to mention mad. This woman who knew she had her back no matter what legitly jeopardized their jobs. She remembered when she threatened her about Kim but she also didnt want to say anything bout that.

 ** _"Look Liv I get it. It's Cassidy. But come on, look what he put you through with Noah and the child abuse claims. Jesus christ, you almost lost your fucking kid. And here you are backing him up, then pulling me into it cause you know damn right well I have your back. Come on Liv I thought we were better than that. Fucking hell you gave me the key to your place, isnt that a sign of trust? At least I thought it was. I wont apologize to Cassidy for what I said but I will respect you."_**

Liv knew she had put the blonde in a tough position. She really hadnt meant to. All she wanted to do was get Noah off to school with as little disruption as possible. It meant alot that her and Amanda had come so far, that they trusted one another.

 _ **"Forget about Cassidy. He'll be gone tomorrow. I dont want to strain our friendship. You and Jesse have come to mean alot to me and I'll be damned if I lose you two over him. How bout you and Jesse come over tomorrow night for dinner? Noah and Jesse can play, you and I can talk?"**_

Amanda looked at the text this time around. She could see Liv was really sorry for what was going on. She knew Jesse would want to see Liv and Noah. She told her yes. They would come over for dinner and to hang out.

 _ **"Amanda I truly appreciate your friendship and all that you have done for Noah and I lately. It doesnt go un thanked or unnoticed. See you tomorrow."**_

With that it had gotten to be late so Amanda checked on Jesse one last time and then went on to bed herself. She was proud of the outcome tonight and proud that she had proved she had a back bone and couldnt be pushed around.


	9. A Request

**Cute little short that popped into mind when I heard the news that Stephanie March was reprising her role as Alex Cabot for an upcoming episode. I didnt want it to be long, didnt want it to be too much. But just enough to show that there is a friendship there.**

Olivia Benson had finally decided to settle down. No more whispers through the office of 'when is she going to settle down with someone?' She had been dating her now senior detective Amanda Rollins for close to a year and she couldnt see spending her future with anyone other than the blonde detective that who had captured her heart. So popping the question last night on their anniversary only seemed fitting. Oh the joy she felt when Amanda Rollins told Olivia that yes she would marry her.

Cuddling with her fiancee' oh how she liked the sound of that word, she was the happiest she had been in a long time. They had put the kids to bed a little while ago, so they could have some alone time together to revel in the newness of their engagement. Liv smiling at the memory of a few hours ago, how she proposed. She had incorporated the kids in her proposal, each of them speaking their love for Amanda and their family. "So my love, any thoughts on when you would like us to get married? Even more so if you would like a big ceremony or a small one? Church or no church?" Amanda looked at Liv and smiled, oh how she loved this woman. Now she was going to be her wife. She was on cloud nine. "Baby I dont even know right now. Alls I know is I'm over the moon to become your wife. To me simplicity is the best. Something simple with our family and friends that's all I want and need for it to be a beautiful day." Olivia loved how she was so simple and easy to please. Though now that they were engaged Olivia wanted to ask her best friend to stand up for her. They hadnt spoken in a while but it was important to her. They watched a movie, made out for a bit and went off to bed. Olivia was going to reach out to Alex tomorrow and ask her to stand up for her.

They were awakened by two very excited children and furry child as Amanda had always thought of Frannie as a child. The kids just pig piled on them. It was great, the giggles, the playing, it didnt get any better than this. Each of them finally finding the love that they wanted and that they deserved. After the horse play they got up and had some breakfast before work. Olivia took this time to tell Amanda she was meeting up with Alex Cabot for a quick coffee. "So babe I am meeting Alex this morning. I invited her for coffee, and if you dont mind I plan on asking her to stand up for me." Amanda brushed her hair back, "No my love, I dont mind. You and her are close friends." Liv kissed her love hotly before getting dressed quickly. She ended up wearing her black slacks, black dress shoes, a purple silk dress shirt and her black blazer. She also put the chain on that Amanda had given her recently. It was a diamond teardrop pendant in white gold. Where her shirt was open at her cleavage it was easily seen. "Babe how do I look?" Amanda went over to Liv and kissed her. "Mmm Babe, you look gorgeous like always. Aww so you like the charm I got you. It just said Liv when I saw it." Liv smiled. "And I love it, as much as I love you. I'll let you go talk to Alex and I'll drop the kids off." Olivia nodded and kissed her soon to be bride again, she just couldnt get enough of the feel of her lips. Who would have ever thought Liv would be this touchy-feely and so soft. Usually she came across as the hardass especially at work. Perhaps that's why she and Amanda had gotten on so well and had progressed to where they were with little to no incident.

Liv headed to meet Alex. Since they were meeting at the little coffee place right by the precinct it didnt take long for Liv to get there. Once she did she immediately spotted Alex. The blonde ADA hadnt changed at all. Still as beautiful as ever. "So how's the 'crusader' doing? Long time no see Alex." Alex laughed, getting up to hug Olivia. "Damn Liv, you got jokes already. How the hell have you been? You look good." They each got their coffees and food. Sitting at a table and just talking. It felt good to talk to her oldest friend. "So you know I've been dating Amanda for some time and it's been going really well. I'm really happy." Alex took a sip of coffee and then answered "I'm happy for you Olivia, it's actually really nice to see you this happy." Liv took a bite of her food, and chased it with a drink before answering. "I thank you very much. She means a lot to me. Actually there's a reason I asked to meet you, besides the fact that I wanted to see you anyway. We cant keep letting so much time pass before getting together outside of work. But here goes nothing. Alex, I asked Amanda to marry me." Alex damn near choked on her coffee, she knew her feelings were deep for the blonde detective but honestly didnt know they were that deep. "Well I'll be damned. I didnt think I'd live to see the day that Olivia Benson settled down. Um I guess congratulations." Liv nodded, thanking her. "There's just something bout her. We fit together. Her and Jesse and Noah and myself. We work. We are a family and I figured let's just make it official. Of course I'll adopt Jesse as my own, and she plans to adopt Noah as well. So we will be one big family unit. Two moms, two kids and a dog. But there is another reason I asked you to meet for coffee, besides telling you that I proposed to Amanda."

Alex couldnt help but be a little slighted with Olivia's news and apparently she hadnt heard all of it yet. She didnt know Amanda that well, she was happy that someone had come into Olivia's life that accepted her for who she was and didnt attempt to change her. Plus she seemed to genuinely make Olivia happy. "Ok Olivia, what is your other reason for meeting me? I do have to get going here soon as nice as it has been talking to you and catching up."

Liv smiled, now was her chance. She was keeping her fingers crossed that Alex wouldnt turn her down. "Well Alex, we never got along the greatest in the beginning, but over that time you have become a great friend to me. Someone I trust a great deal. I want to know if you will do me the honor of standing up for me and being my matron of honor?"

Alex didnt really want to, as she didnt really know Amanda all that well. But seeing Olivia this happy and even excited she couldnt bring herself to say no.

Smiling and touching her friends hand "Yes Olivia, I will stand up for you."


	10. Your Mama Shoulda Named You Whiskey

**_Just a lil filler I've been working on. Dont know if there will be more. Cant figure where to take it. Its angsty. Title is taken from a Luke Bryan song._**

Olivia had a shit day at work. IAB had come down on her big time over the recent case with Carisi and his neice who had changed her story multiple times. As if that wasnt stressful enough, she then had to be the one to hold Amanda off a perp before she ended up doing some serious damage and would most likely end up resulting in Amanda's suspension. The perp instantly antagonizing Rollins, muttering shit about her sister and how she had taken off. She was only looking out for the young blonde who was on the verge of losing her shit. She sure didnt get the result she had hoped for. No the blonde had whirled on her telling her to "back the fuck off" and the best one was "why act like you fucking care when it's quite obvious you could give two shits." Since Olivia didnt like being talked to like that she told the pissed off blonde to go home for the rest of the shift. She really didnt want to be so hard on her but she herself was having her ass chewed by IAB for Carisi and his neice and then letting Amanda get to that point. Just before leaving herself for the day she asked Fin to tell Amanda to make sure she was on time for work the next day.

"Ok Liv, I'll text her. She either went home or to the bar. Im hoping she didnt go and get herself into trouble." Liv nodded, "Do what you have to do, just make sure she knows to be here on time for her shift or I'm taking her badge." Fin just nodded not knowing what had gotten his boss so damn pissed off and for that fact why she was so pissed off at Rollins. All Rollins was doing was her job. So the bastard said some shit about knowing that Amanda's apartment had been boosted. Fin tried to tell Liv to cool off and let it be but she wouldnt. She decided to head to the bar and just have a drink, instead of going right home. Infact at the bar she sent Fin a text

 **"Did you tell Rollins to make sure her ass is on time in the am?"** Fin text her back and told her he did. He also told Benson to lay off of Rollins. He knew his partner was having a rough time as it was. Her apartment had been cleaned out, she just had her ass reamed by her boss for doing her job and getting the perp. "Look Liv, I respect both of you and I am friends with the both of you. But with regards to how you have treated Rollins and continue to treat her, I dont like that. I'm not in agreement with that at all. Actually you arent going to like me for this, but Liv you really need to take the stick out of your ass where Amanda is concerned."

Fin was right, she really didnt like Fin for that. But he also had no clue of what had transpired between herself and the blonde that she had sent home earlier. Things that werent supposed to happen between a leiutenant and a detective had happened, both had met up at the bar after a shitty case, had too many drinks, the next thing Liv knew they werent able to keep their hands off each other and had ended up at the blondes apartment taking things to the next level. Damn alcohol. She knew she shouldnt have drank the whiskey shots that Amanda was. She knew it would lower her inhibitions towards the blonde. The blonde felt good, the sex was amazing. They just werent supposed to do that. But it felt so right in that moment, they didnt hate each other then, they didnt argue, they just made each other feel.

Fin text Liv back saying that Amanda was infact going to be at work in the am, and she would be on time. He had also told her that instead of texting her he went over to her apartment and Amanda was just in a sullen mood. **"You do know she is still trying to refurnish her apartment, she doesnt have much thanks to Kim. You need to cut her some slack Liv. Stop using her to beat on when you have made mistakes of your own. Plus if you're going to keep harping on the fact that she almost went to town on that perp. Remember yourself with perps that hit the right nerve."** Looking at the text, damn Fin was right. She had been in that same damn predicament more than enough times. Liv ordered a drink finally after sitting in the bar, probably looking like some kind of stalker with a water just looking around. She wondered to herself if she should go over to Amanda's apartment and attempt to talk. She figured if she was gonna do that she better finish her wine and leave. She text Fin one last time **"I'm going to go over and check on her. I think we need to talk face to face and hash out whatever is causing this hostility between us."** She paid her tab and even though she had only had one glass of wine she tipped the bartender and left.

Arriving at Amanda's apartment, here she was standing outside her door, practically giving herself a pep talk before knocking on the door. She knocked, she heard the tv being turned down as Frannie began to bark. She decided to knock again. Then she heard the blonde speak " _Can ya wait a damn minute. Shit I'm coming. Shh Frannie you'll get the neighbor going again and I really dont wanna hear her shit."_ Oh she sounded annoyed as all hell. This may not have been her smartest idea of the evening. Looking through the peephole, this was not the person Amanda wanted to see on the other side of her door. Amanda rolled her eyes and opened the door, voice dripping of clear annoyance " _What the hell are you doing here Benson? You sent me home, I came home."_ She stood there blocking entrance to her home. Liv looked at her, "Amanda can we talk inside? I dont think you want your neighbors to hear your business." Amanda moved aside to let her boss in. As Liv made her way to the living room, Amanda stopped in her kitchen to make a drink, she figured she was going to need it. "Benson you want anything to drink? I dont want to be a rude hostess even though I didnt invite you over." Olivia told her a water would be fine. Amanda returned to the living room with a bottle of water for Olivia and bottle of coke as well as a shot of whiskey for herself. Sitting there in the awkward silence was driving Olivia crazy. At least before they slept together they could actually talk and not stare at each other. Amanda was sick of it so she decided to speak up. Her voice dripping in a sarcastically annoyed tone. " _Look Benson I really have no idea why the hell you decided to show up here. You sent me home after you ripped my ass for going after the perp. When you yourself would do the same damn thing. Not to mention you have treated me like complete shit since that night at the bar. We fucked Benson, you were a willing participant. I asked you numerous times if you wanted to stop and you said no. So its not fair you are treating me like this."_ Amanda turned away, she didnt want Olivia to see the angry tears. Olivia sipped her water, she wasnt sure how to respond. Amanda was right, she had treated her like complete shit. Amanda got frustrated and got up and grabbed another shot of her beloved whiskey. The way it was going she was going to have to get herself another bottle tomorrow. After sitting back down and downing the shot she glared icily at Liv. "Look I dont know what you want from me. I can do my job just fine. What I can do without is your goddamn mind games."

After a little bit Amanda was tired and wanted Liv to leave. "I'm tired Benson. I want to finish my whiskey and put my ass to bed so I'm at work on time. Since I dont dare be late to work or you will have my fucking ass." Olivia looked at Amanda, she went to pick up her jacket off the couch. "Amanda I did come over here to talk. I dont want to leave it like this. There is too much hostility between us and there shouldnt be. For christs sake we are the only two women on this squad, dont you think we should be able to get along?" Amanda snarled "Well you should have thought of that before we had sex and you decided to treat me like a piece of shit." Amanda didnt stop she was hurt and goddamn it Olivia needed to understand. "If you regret it, that's all on you. I dont regret it or I wouldnt have slept with you. What you need to do is stop fucking treating me like I'm beneath you. I'm not. I fucking deserve the same damn respect you show Fin, Carisi and even Stone though I cant stand him. You know what, fuck deserve I fucking demand you show me the same damn respect. I've damn well earned it and thensome." Olivia put her coat down on the couch again. For some reason the blonde taking this initiative and stand to her was turning her on. "Amanda it's not like that. I dont regret it. I do respect you." Oh she was pissing Amanda off. "Oh you respect me, bullshit. If that was the case you wouldnt have ripped my ass in front of the perp no less and sent my ass home. You made me look like an incompetent jackass Benson. You, You made me look like a fucking fool who didnt have a clue as to what I was doing. And here you are trying to tell me you respect me. Who the hell are you trying to kid? I wasnt born yesterday." Olivia didnt know what to say, Amanda was right.

All she had wanted to do was come over and try to smooth out the air between them, but she seemed to have just made it worse. "Look Amanda, I didnt come over here with the intention of pissing you off. I came over here with the intention of clearing the air. You know talking like two grown adults not like damn children." Amanda's blue eyes blazed and nostrils began to flare as now she was extremely pissed off. How dare Olivia say she was acting like a child? Amanda went over to Liv so that they were standing face to face with maybe an arms length of space if they were lucky. Amanda wasnt one to really raise her voice but she was pissed "I'm a child? Really BENSON I'M A FUCKING CHILD. HOW DARE YOU? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU? YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST THE GET THE FUCK OUT." Liv just looked at her, ohh she had seen the blonde angry before and even at her but this was a whole new anger. "Amanda for christsake calm down, if you had listened to me I said children." Amanda angrily sighed, " _why the fuck did you come over here when all you are doing is insulting my intelligence? Granted I'm buzzed, not drunk. I can friggen tell the difference."_ She got so aggravated she once again asked her boss to leave. "I want you to leave Olivia."


	11. You Got A Problem

You Got A Problem

Rating: T

Takes place current season and after "Service" Jesse, Noah and Frannie are non existent in this particular drabble.

Benson and Carisi walked into the precinct discussing the current case they had just been out together on. Tossing back and forth different scenarios and ideas. The victim had been a working girl that was raped. When they walked into where Rollins and Tutuola were sitting near the idea board. Rollins was just in a mood and it was sensed. When Carisi started voicing his thoughts and telling where he thought things were going Benson saw Rollins roll her eyes and clearly suck her teeth. So once he finished Benson dispersed her orders "Carisi you're with me. Rollins, Fin you two go." Carisi and Fin went to gather their things and Rollins began getting up from the table. Something bothering Rollins was clear, since she had an attitude. Benson wasnt a fan of this particular mood Rollins was exhibiting. She looked over again to see the blonde getting up with her folder " _You have a problem_?" Rollins looking over at her superior answered back with the same attitude. " _Nah_ ". In all actuality Amanda does have a problem... she's hurt and needs a friend more than anything right now. But she didnt say that. Instead she stayed moody when she and Fin went where Liv asked them to go. He let her be. He knew her well, so well infact he knew that if she felt like talking she would talk to him. He was worried though she was on the verge of getting her ass handed to her by Benson. As they finished up and headed back to the precinct Fin asked Amanda if she wanted a coffee. She told him sure. He went in and grabbed the coffees and came back out. Once again trying to get Amanda to talk to him. "So whats going on with you? You and Carisi have another fight? Or do I dare ask if you and Liv got into it?" He knew that she had some kind of feelings for Olivia he just didnt know what exactly they were. She just shrugged. He was boggled as he wanted to know what was up but he also knew not to push Amanda. He was going to however have a talk with Liv. Since she had shown more of a reaction when he mentioned a fight with her more so than when he mentioned a fight with Carisi. Though it was not a fight with Carisi at all, nor was it a fight with Benson. It was something that she was going through, and that was breaking her heart.

When they got back to the precinct Amanda went to her desk and started typing her notes into her laptop and searching up some leads. She knew for a fact she nor the rest of the crew would be going home anytime soon so she might as well make the best of it and stay out of Liv's hair. Last thing she wanted and or needed was for her boss to be on her ass. She rolled her eyes and took a heated deep breath. This was going to be a long fucking night. Liv was still catching vibes of Amanda's attitude and the latest of her being really bitchy to the victim, wasnt like Amanda at all and Liv wanted to know what was up. She had seen Amanda go into the break room, now was her chance.

" _Rollins what's going on?_ " Liv had asked once she had joined the blonde in the breakroom. The blonde was tense and Liv could feel tension, not to mention she was kind of worried about her subordinate.

Amanda stood at her locker, pulling out an elastic so she could put her hair up. Oh she didnt want to get into this, especially now, she didnt want to lose her shit with her boss. She thought a second, maybe she could bullshit her way out of this. As nonchalantly as she could she spoke "This case you know. Sometimes this job is rewarding, other times..." Amanda lied.

"Life affirming in a way. Opens your eyes a bit more." Liv threw in her comment. Hoping to maybe get Amanda to open up.

"More like it makes you wanna pound a fifth of jameson" Amanda replied with dark tone.

Not missing the unreadable tone Liv looked over to her subordinate now knowing her suspicions were infact spot on and there was something going on with her detective, she took her glasses off and tried to talk again. "What's going on Rollins? You okay?" She was genuinely concerned about her, for one she was her detective and for two she was her friend as well.

Amanda shaking her head, trying to keep the tears that wanted to fall at bay. She answered with a sigh. "Yeah." Liv picking up on something but not really wanting to push the blonde as she didnt really respond to being pushed to talk. "You want to talk about it?"

" _I'll get over it."_ Amanda's voice started to break but she hid it with a smile. She wanted to open up to Liv but at the same time she didnt, if that made any sense. The last time there was an opportunity to talk, Liv gave her that goddamn card to see her shrink.

Liv looked at her, knew she was hurting could see it, but also could see that she wasnt going open up anymore so she stood up and walked to the door. "Okay. Well whatever it is, let's not take it out on Sandy." Amanda looked over at her. She still didnt get it, after all this time. Liv walked out of the room. Amanda sat there with a sad, hurt and lost look in her eyes. Thinking to herself, and talking softly to herself _"No everything isnt okay but you calling me 'Rollins' doesnt make me want to open up and talk, it actually makes me want to slap you. But I also do need a friend too and it seems noone can be bothered with that lately."_

It got to be later on in the day, Rollins had gone on home. She was just done with it all. Her mind completely fried. She stopped at the nearby liquor store to get some tequila and beer. It was gonna be a long night she could feel it. This damn case. Why was it always that she wasnt good enough for someone? She shopped for more booze then she saw the 'jameson' she had mentioned to Liv. Nothing better besides tequila than a trusty shot of whiskey. She grabbed that and paid for her things. After that she headed home. No sooner she got home her phone went off.

" **Rollins, just wanted to see if you made it home ok. You seemed very off and almost like you wanted to open up and talk. Let me know if you need anything.-Liv"**

Amanda put her bags on the counter and closed the door before checking the message. Sighing heavily she opened up the text from Olivia. It immediately angered her to see that Liv was still calling her Rollins, like what in the actual fuck? So she typed back.

"FYI calling me 'Rollins' doesnt make me want to open up and talk, makes me want to slap you."

Olivia was a bit shocked at Amanda's revelation. She and Amanda had of course had it out before but nothing like this. She didnt know how to respond, as with that last text she knew the blonde was pissed off. So Liv being Liv decided that she and her detective needed to talk as soon as she got into work in the am.

As the night wore on Amanda just drank, thank god for a high tolerance. Knowing if she pounded back the booze now and took some aspirins before she crashed, she wouldnt wake up with the massive hangover she was bound to get. She laid back on the couch turning on some game and started drinking. Then to get her going 'he sent a text'

" _Look hun, I know you are mad at what I did. I didnt pay you, so you shouldnt be that angry. We can still be together, we just need to work on your game and get you better in bed. Think about it. - Al_ "

She poured her shot. Fuck him she thought. He seemed to be the only one who complained about her. Still hurt none the less. She didnt think she was that bad in bed. Tears started to come down. She muttered out loud and instead of taking a shot she drank a glass of jameson. The fucker burned going down, but ooh tasted so good. " _Better make me forget him_ " once that settled in her stomach she got sleepy and passed out.

The next morning she hears a loud buzzing, her damn phone going off. Instead of grabbing her phone she knocked it off the table, then when she reached to get it she ended up cracking her head on the coffee table. Rubbing her head and wincing when she touched the spot she cursed out loud " _For fucks sake, really?_ " Liv was going to roast her ass. She showered as quick as she could leaving her hair wet. When she finally got to the precinct all seemed normal until she heard...

"ROLLINS MY OFFICE NOW"

The tone of her voice let Amanda know that Liv was annoyed. She looked over at her coworkers and they gave the looks like they didnt know. Rollins wasnt always late, and she hadnt planned on being late this am either. She placed her stuff at her desk and walked to her leiutenants office. Quickly deciding to address Liv as 'Lieutenant' as she had still been addressing her as 'Rollins'. Once inside the office Liv told her to close the door and take a seat. Amanda did as asked, after all she didnt want to lose her job. Amanda folded her hands in her lap. Liv noticed she was looking like hell. She wanted to ask Amanda if she had been drinking but decided against it.

 _"I'm going to try this again and ask, what is going on Rollins?_ " Amanda rolled her eyes, she knew this was coming. Her anger getting the best of her as she replied " _Oh come off it Benson for christssakes, you've been calling me 'Amanda' for months, and now all the sudden we are back to this 'Rollins' shit. What the fuck? That's my problem."_ Liv was taken aback, she knew Amanda spoke her mind but she wasnt really ready for that. She looked at Amanda and when she replied she had a stern tone. " _What do you expect, you take an attitude with a victim Amanda, A VICTIM. She came to us for help and you had the biggest stick in your ass with her. I've cut you a bit of slack here but jesus christ Amanda you cant act like that with a victim. They wont come forward if they feel the cops are blaming them."_ As much as she hated to admit it Liv was right. Amanda cut her eyes down, she had thought her and Liv had gotten close and could trust each other but her being called Rollins made her feel like they werent that close anymore. " _Look Liv I get that I could have handled it better and I have apologized to her. With what has just gone on in my personal life I just snapped. I'm fucking human. It's allowed."_ This was not going in the way Liv wanted. It was getting hostile and she couldnt fathom why.

Sitting in silence with her boss just looking at her it was doing her in. She felt like shit, noone cared. They noticed she was snippy but not a one of them had inquired about it. Angry tears began to fall. Liv noticed the tears start to fall. She wanted to know what was up with her detective, her friend. Taking a breath, sitting closer to Amanda on the couch, she placed her hand gently in the small of her back. "Amanda what is going on? Since the other day you have been on edge, now you're in here with a cold attitude but clearly hurting as tears wouldnt be falling if you weren't. Talk to me, let me see if I can help you in any way." Amanda glared, she was full of hurt, anger and even embarrassment. _"You want to help me eh? Well maybe you can answer me this then. Why the hell am I not good enough? I'm not good enough here thats a given, cause you constantly rip my ass, and go back and forth between calling me 'Rollins or Amanda.' So I'm not good enough for anything apparently."_ clenching her hands tight into fists _"Tell me why he had to go and pay for it? You wanted to know what my issue was with her. There you have it. The guy I was seeing. Yes Ive been dating someone on the DL. Al. He's a cardiologist. One night after we had been intimate he crashed and I was still awake. Me being me, decided to fold his clothes and put them on the chair. Well guess what falls out of his pocket..."_ Liv looked at her, the blue eyes in her detective full of hurt, and she wasnt holding back. "Go on Amanda, I'm right here, you need to get this out so you can heal." Amanda got up and started to pace " _A receipt for an escort. A fucking escort. He barely had time to spend with me, but he could fucking go and pay for it. Come on and I didnt have a right to be pissed at the vic come on Liv. That's fucking rubbing my nose in it."_ Amanda had sat back down after a minute or so.

Olivia looking over at the woman sitting next to her, keeping her hand on her back moving with gentle ministrations, she understood why Amanda had acted like she did. " _And you calling me 'Rollins' I guess just set me off even more. Liv to be honest it hurt. I thought we had come so far and were past that."_ Amanda turned away, trembling with the onset of more tears, she didnt want Liv to see anymore of her tears. Liv now felt like a first class ass. Granted she wanted to get Sky justice but she had also in the process made her friend feel like she didnt matter. That wasnt right. "Honey, you look at me." Amanda wouldnt look, she just felt so worthless so to speak. Liv gently tipped the trembling blondes chin so she could look in her eyes. Looking directly into those bright blue eyes Liv once again spoke. "Whoever this Al person is, he had a good thing with you. He's the one who fucked up Amanda. Not you. You're plenty good enough. Honey it's on him. You werent lacking. Dont think that. His loss and its a big one. Sweetie going back to your ' _why the hell am I not good enough?'_ he wasnt good enough for you. You're a smart, beautiful woman Amanda. He was stupid to treat you like that, honey you deserve much more than that. You certainly dont deserve to be cheated on, let alone having him _pay_ for it." Amanda swiped at her tears "Look can I just get out there and get to work. I just want to get the day over with and go the fuck home."

Amanda left Liv's office, she grabbed a cup of coffee and went to her desk. As she was working, Fin could see she wasnt really there, she was physically but not mentally. "Hey Manda, you okay?" She nodded answering softly "Yeah Fin, I'm fine." She gave him a small smile that satifisfied him. She continued to work, next thing she knew her phone rang and it was her credit card company. She excused herself from the bullpen to take the call. Once out by the elevators she started talking to them. Seems they were alerting her to large spending on her card. When she told them she hadnt been using the card she sighed, braced herself for the answer and asked what the charges were. When they told her, she just shook her head. She spoke back to the woman, her voice thick with anger and tears "Please just put a stop on the card to prevent it from being used." They told her of course, and that they would get a new card out to her immediately. She also asked them to send her a list of the charges. She went back into the squad room, headed straight for Liv's office.

Shaking as she knocked on the door, Liv who happened to be on a call, came and opened the door. When she saw the blonde and the look in her eyes she told whoever was on the other line she'd have to call back later as she had a matter that needed tending to. She waved Amanda in as she ended her call. Amanda shut the door and stood there.

Liv was a little hesitant of approaching the clearly upset blonde as how it was a heated exhange earlier.

"Amanda what's up?" Liv asked with a calmness in her voice.

Amanda hung her head and went over to the couch in the office. "I'm such a fool. A fucking fool, to think anyone would be interested in just me, let alone a damn cardiologist. What the hell was I thinking?" Liv looked at the distressed blonde in her office, hours ago she would have never thought that Rollins would come to her on her own. Liv watched her sit and waited a minute before joining her. "What do you mean? Amanda we went over this. You're not the fool, he is. He lost a good thing in you." Amanda looked up "Liv I am a fool. I just got a call from my credit card company, they were alerting me of suspicious activity. Liv he got ahold of my credit card and was using that to pay for his good time." Amanda folded her hands together. Liv carefully spoke as she didnt want Amanda to think she was chastising her. "Honey, what can I do to help you? I hate to see you this stressed out." Amanda wiped her eyes. "What I really need is a friend. Just someone who will listen and just let me talk or even not talk." Liv understood what she said and told Amanda she would be there to listen. Amanda couldnt take it she just felt depressed and was beyond hurt. She ended up gathering her things and saying bye to her coworkers. Liv tried to keep her there and to talk but Amanda was shutting down and rather get Amanda upset she told her to go ahead and call it a day, she'd check on her later.

Amanda decided to go hit up her favorite bar. She just needed a release and since gambling was out of the question she opted for the bar. She wanted to forget about her problem not lose her job in the process. She got to the bar and where she was familiar with the bartender when he saw her he got her usual ready. Her usual being a shot of her favorite Jameson whiskey and a bottle of coors. "Shall I start a tab for you Amanda? You look like you have had a hell of a day?" She nodded yes not knowing how many she was infact going to have tonight. Her phone going off with Al's texts and calls. She was just over him. She had cared and yeah a part of her still did cause he got close, but seeing the receipts for the hookers and then being notified that he had taken her card and used it without her knowledge pissed her off.

"Come on Mandy dont be like this. We can work on it. I can help you become more satisfying in bed, then I wont have to pay for the hookers."

She looked and saw that and ohh it set her off. She sent back a venomous reply **_"Fuck Off and oh fucking pay me the money on the credit card."_** After sending the reply she downed her shot and asked for another. Just as she downed her shot again, who shows up? If you guessed Al you guessed right. "Well Amanda kind of fitting I find you here. Yet you told me you were a detective with the NYPD. I dont think an actual NYPD detective would be drowning their ass in booze when they should be working." Amanda signaled for another shot as she was going to need it. Then she turned around to face Al. Anger boiling up inside of her, "Who the hell asked you? I could ask you the same thing, what the fuck is a cardiologist doing at the bar. Shit best not be going back to work after here. That's a fucking lawsuit waiting to happen." She turned away from him once again to get the shot she had asked for. Downing it yet again and then chasing with her beer, he decided he was going to put his hand on her. " _Now Amanda honey, let's not get all hostile. You wont get any tonight when we go home_." Sensing that his patron was about ready to pop this guy the bartender text Liv since he knew that she would come down and get her detective. Amanda spat at him, "How about you pay me the money you fucking owe me since you stole my credit card you son of a bitch. I'm not going home with you." She shrugged his hand off her and promptly asked for another shot as Al was pissing her off. The bartender told her he ran out of jameson as he knew she was bout to blow her top and he didnt want her in serious trouble. This time Al grabbed her side "See he's cutting you off babe. Time to leave." Amanda grabbed her beer bottle "Get your fucking hands off of me you prick." When he didnt do as she asked she crowned him with the bottle, breaking it. Just as she did that Liv walked into the bar. Amanda's eyes blazed, taking the broken bottle to his neck she spat " _You're going to pay that fucking bill, you used it for your cheap fucking sluts. I work hard for my money, busting perps like you. Pay me the money you son of a..."_

"Amanda dont do it." Amanda was interrupted as she had begun to aim the broken beer bottle's jagged edges to the guy's jugular. She wasnt playing around. Liv came closer to Amanda, putting her hand gently on the one that had the broken bottle. "Amanda he's not worth you losing everything. Please put the glass down. I dont want to arrest my detective." Al sneered "You'll have to arrest her if I decide to press charges." Olivia growled this dumbass not realizing that she was right now keeping Amanda from slicing his jugular. "Look you, if I wasnt here she would have already sliced you. I wont press charges on her cause noone in the bar saw anything and it would ultimately be your word against a dedicated detective's. You want to try me? I can however press larceny charges since you knowingly stole her credit card and spent it on working girls. That's a pretty decent fine and where I'm leiutenant I can bargain for jail time if I want." Joey the bartender came back over, he had clearly had enough of the disruption in his bar so he asked Al to leave. Al looked at him and told him to mind his business. Joey was like I can call another precinct down here and have you locked up cause I'll be the one pressing charges, so your options are leave or stay and spend a night in the facilities. I'm done with you harassing my patron." Al looked one more time at Amanda. " _Dont be late_." Liv clenched her fists, now understanding why Amanda wanted to cut the man. Keeping her cool she replied "She isnt coming home to you, she's going to stay at my place as I dont want to get a call in the am that my detective murdered her dick of an ex boyfriend." As Al snickered and walked to the door, Amanda ordered yet another beer and another shot. Joey looked at Liv quickly and seeing her nod it was okay he served Amanda what she wanted. "Come on Liv, you're not on the clock, have a drink. Hey Joey can you bring my boss a glass of red wine?" Joey did just that. Liv thanked him. They stayed and had a couple more drinks. Amanda was pretty well drunk, still completely aware of her actions but was definitly inebriated.

Amanda was quiet the drive back to Olivia's. Thankful that she didnt have to go back to her apartment. Once inside Liv's apartment Amanda sort of relaxed. Liv placed her hand gently on her shoulder. "Hey hun, I have a pair of sweats that'll prolly fit you. Do you want a t-shirt too?" Amanda looked at her "Uh sure." Liv brought her the clothes and told her she could change in the bathroom if she wanted. She came back out and just sat on the futon that Liv was sitting on. She sat on the far end. Now it was all starting to hit her once again. Liv moved over slowly as she didnt want to startle Amanda, noticing that Amanda was okay with the closeness she then pulled her into her arms. She held her tightly but not too tight to where she couldnt get away if she wanted to. Amanda though didnt want to break away. Noone had taken this time to just hold her. It shocked her but at the same time it made her feel safe. Letting Liv continue to hold her she spoke, her voice void of all emotion even though she was hurt deep. " _Liv how could he do this? I know I'm not worth it but come on, he could have just left me and been done. I know I'm not the best looking woman in the world but fuck I'm not hideous either. Why did he have to be so fucking cold?"_ Olivia just held her. She didnt know what else to do. Rollins wasnt the type that needed the coddling, but here she was letting Liv coddle her and Liv didnt mind. Liv spoke to her with a stern voice "STOP saying you're not worth it Amanda. You are too strong a woman to let him brainwash you like this. You certainly are not hideous Amanda. You're a very attractive woman." Liv didnt want to give too much away, but she did have a crush on the blonde sitting in her arms. Now probably isnt the best of times to say anything but with her attraction continously growing it sure wasnt going to get any easier to keep it at bay.

Liv held her for a lil bit longer before speaking again. "Sweetie it's getting late, why dont you go ahead and take my bed for the rest of the night and I'll take the couch." Amanda looked down, she was extremely tired both emotionally and physically. "Olivia I am not kicking you out of your own bed. I'll take the couch. Probably wont sleep much anyway. You go and get some sleep Liv. You have a precinct to run in the am. I promise hand to God I'll still be here when you wake up." Olivia looked at the smaller woman before her, she didnt think that Amanda wanted to be alone. "Honey you're not kicking me out of my own bed. I just want you to be comfortable and get a good nights sleep." Amanda gave an almost sarcastic laugh "A good nights sleep, what's that?" Olivia put her hand once again in the small of the blondes back, rubbing gently "Honey I'm fine." Amanda cuddled into Liv as the rubbing of her back eased her nerves and relaxed her so much she was dozing off. Before she dozed off she spoke softly "Liv it takes alot for me to admit this and even ask this. _CanIcuddlewithyoutosleep?"_ Olivia was just about to ask her to repeat what she said but she felt the smaller woman lay her head on her shoulder and by the even breathing she knew she had fallen asleep. She leaned both of them gently back on the sofa. " _You know Amanda, I am always here for you. Always."_ With that she held her detective, more importantly her friend and drifted off to sleep.


End file.
